tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85449598420580556632024-02-07T03:53:57.290-08:00The C WordCrystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-47098787439196236602015-06-30T14:03:00.000-07:002015-06-30T19:38:58.407-07:00Limb Salvage RedoIt feels weird to be back here in my old stomping grounds. Even beginning to type a post on here brings me back to sick, foggy, hairless days filled with awesome nurses, friends, and family members. There were some good times, but I am sooooooo so so so so glad it's over. Life is great. I've got two cancer-related updates, which is my reason for breaking the silence, but first:<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">What have I been doing for the last year??</span><br />
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Welllll, Michael and I have been living in San Jose with my mom and brothers, and dogs, which has been the biggest blessing. Once we moved here, everything just fell into place exactly how it was supposed to. Michael got a great job as a software engineer at EMC. Shortly after, I was offered a 6th grade teaching position in Morgan Hill. I felt pretty fragile at the time and just prayed that I would get a job that I could manage. I needed good kids, close proximity to home, and a warm faculty to collaborate with, and I found exactly that. I was nervous that 6th graders would be so much naughtier than 5th graders, but my group of kids was everything I wanted. It was an exhausting year, spending 10-11 hours at school most days, but it was so fun and rewarding.<br />
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Here are some highlights from this last year:<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gio and Otto</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Alaska Cruise</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Including the whole family on holidays</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Michael walking in his graduation</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I went on a boy scout camping trip with Michael. Ha!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Teaching 6th Grade!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Beautiful Santa Barbara</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Warriors Parade</span></div>
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Truth be told, we did a lot more this year than is depicted above, but tracking down the pictures and then getting them in the right place on here is becoming waaaay too time consuming.<br />
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Alright, now for the 2 Cancer Related Things.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">1. Get your moles checked. </span><br />
This is not a big deal. I repeat, this is NOT a big deal, but I had this weird looking mole on my hand so I went to a dermatologist to get it checked out. She decided to do a biopsy and it was NOT cancerous, but it had a 10-15% chance of becoming cancerous sometime in the future, so they recommended I get it completely removed. I am telling you this not because it was scary, traumatic, or life-altering, but because it is slightly cancer-related and I want to encourage you to just go to the doctor and get stuff checked out. I used to worry about seeming like a hypochondriac, but you know what, who cares? Give yourself the peace of mind that comes from knowing exactly what's going on with your body.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Three tiny stitches.</td></tr>
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2. <span style="font-size: large;">Limb-Salvage. Take Two.</span><br />
Well, shucks. My original limb salvage surgery didn't really pan out like I hoped it would. I just kept waiting for my leg to get better, and it didn't. My most recent x-rays (below) show that my bone did not fuse together with the cadaver bone like it was supposed to (that's where the red bracket is) and as a result, the metal rod is windshield wipering in my leg. It's painful to walk and it's actually hollowing out my bone. I circled where there is a huge gap around the rod that shouldn't be there.<br />
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This second x-ray shows that my poor bone wants to grow and strengthen itself, but that rod is keeping it from growing in, and instead it is growing outward. I drew an arrow showing where the bone is growing, trying to compensate for the gap.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj66iTeNktaJK_bY609ShrDunvGKCv74NX-PRnccSfdQ7LHBzbJ-q8R8lESj56keTIhY21axQwqriWy2bcLaUxFY9wL_Pbs0fY6SPjEVw2DkbetwODLZ8mMYolvsXfl_h36zajW-7I2-Ns/s1600/mar2_2015_5_EDIT.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj66iTeNktaJK_bY609ShrDunvGKCv74NX-PRnccSfdQ7LHBzbJ-q8R8lESj56keTIhY21axQwqriWy2bcLaUxFY9wL_Pbs0fY6SPjEVw2DkbetwODLZ8mMYolvsXfl_h36zajW-7I2-Ns/s640/mar2_2015_5_EDIT.jpg" width="550" /></a></div>
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My poor left leg. It's trying its darndest, but it's just not enough. So on July 17th, I'm going to have a redo. They are going to completely remove the metal rod in my leg, and a portion of the cadaver bone (allograft) and replace it with a different metal contraption that forces my bone to grow into porous metal and fuse together that way. I'm pretty nervous. Surgery was rough last time around and this is pretty much the same thing, except this time<br />
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1. I'll have an immune system<br />
2. The surgeon won't be trying to navigate around a tumor, so there shouldn't be more nerve damage<br />
3. They are going to try to leave my knee intact, so I can bend my knee immediately after surgery<br />
4. I know what to expect. I know it will be painful and that the pain will be temporary. I know to have them check and make sure the epidural stays in place.<br />
5. I'm living in San Jose, so my mom will be with me all the time<br />
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I'm very out of the habit of blogging, but in an effort to document my entire experience with osteosarcoma, I will try to remember to let you know how surgery goes. I'm so ready to get better!Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-16715616384793659972014-03-25T16:35:00.000-07:002014-03-25T16:56:09.067-07:00My Good Friend, NED<div dir="ltr">
Today is a great day. I got my first follow-up scans done a few weeks ago and they pointed out some tiny lung nodules that weren't in the write-ups of my previous scans. My general feeling was that these nodules meant the cancer was back, and my chances of living were not all that great. I wasn't depressed about it, but just thought that was how it was.</div>
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I found out today that they compared the scans closely and the nodules have not changed since my April 2013 scans. Which means<b> </b><b>the</b><b> </b><b>nodules</b><b> </b><b>are</b><b> </b><b>considered</b><b> </b><b>benign</b><b> </b><b>and</b><b> </b><b>I</b><b> </b><b>am</b><b> </b><b>NED</b><b>, </b><b>no</b><b> </b><b>evidence</b><b> </b><b>of</b><b> </b><b>disease</b><b>!!! </b>I have more time!!! I was on my way to physical therapy with Michael and I cried tears of the purest joy. The sun was bright, I laughed, cried, danced along to Katy Perry, and realized that I miss my family so much it hurts, but I am so grateful to be alive. And in that moment I felt very strongly that my dad, Amber, and Daniel are happy too. My family, that spent so many hours researching treatments, flying back and forth to visit my mom and I, making home movies in support of me, and taking care of me while I was sick is not here, but they are still pulling for me from the other side. </div>
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I truly feel overwhelmed with happiness and gratitude for how beautiful life is and for the love in my family. I don't know how long I'll live for (it turns out none of us do) but at least today it looks like I've got more time than I thought I had. NED, you are my bff. Stick around for awhile?</div>
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*Disclaimer: This was actually written on Friday.</div>
Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-4579676437520177512014-02-11T01:53:00.003-08:002014-02-11T01:53:18.751-08:00Hair Growth and a Ridiculous Summary of a Tragic Few MonthsIt has been a crazy last few months, to say the least and I'm not even going to try to share all of the events that have taken place or my feelings, but my mom encouraged me to at least come on here and let everyone know the happy news--I finished chemo! Some friends spent the night in the hospital with me my last night there and after getting discharged, I walked next door to the cancer center and rang the bell loud and clear. Physically, I feel amazing. I have not used my cane in weeks, I don't feel sick anymore, I have some more color, I've put on a few pounds so I don't look as much like a freaky skeleton (though I probably went about putting on weight with a little too much gusto, let's be honest), and I can actually do chores and run errands throughout the day without feeling like I got the life sucked out of me.<br />
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One thing I thought would be fun is to document the changes in my appearance. Since that last week in the hospital I have been taking selfies every now and again without wearing make-up so you can see what I really look like. Here are those gems:<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdNL4xJjaL3b8u1tIDTssi96fgu3wrGyn5kKE73EorHJWIp7IVTE1Q8clVfExEGLJXghsaiQi2yxPtY-i_Ccf9VcQQuoKnhKNnSoPTF5F7O_zfFuSH052p04VTL8T3l478jzbzZ_qX5EU/s1600/camera_20131112190034001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdNL4xJjaL3b8u1tIDTssi96fgu3wrGyn5kKE73EorHJWIp7IVTE1Q8clVfExEGLJXghsaiQi2yxPtY-i_Ccf9VcQQuoKnhKNnSoPTF5F7O_zfFuSH052p04VTL8T3l478jzbzZ_qX5EU/s1600/camera_20131112190034001.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nov. 13 2013 (Last week in<br />
hospital</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidYovVix-2xpzUvkTUSqPsoMpdfRMCtHL6EnzsDqUSov2Rwd5tkv68WvJTsZYJnM7eYxQS9Cgx1u1_woICKUDkKuaY1c-Idp09hU3RVmztQeot3K9pJQpFUEiJ1aypvPWST1RD4NNMXVU/s1600/camera_20131119145608382.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidYovVix-2xpzUvkTUSqPsoMpdfRMCtHL6EnzsDqUSov2Rwd5tkv68WvJTsZYJnM7eYxQS9Cgx1u1_woICKUDkKuaY1c-Idp09hU3RVmztQeot3K9pJQpFUEiJ1aypvPWST1RD4NNMXVU/s1600/camera_20131119145608382.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nov. 19 2013</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqu52v8pGjajKQajBsEkZZcy1XJQD6h8YJaEAWUxawtforfGaBWk3DFrNFy47hyDAFCUkiO5Rqyo03eek25MAJKFZkTnQYERx8n8kU0bKG-cAqLMD4jE0eRJYefpjrr_mH9JRJpQXNem0/s1600/camera_20131211134951201.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqu52v8pGjajKQajBsEkZZcy1XJQD6h8YJaEAWUxawtforfGaBWk3DFrNFy47hyDAFCUkiO5Rqyo03eek25MAJKFZkTnQYERx8n8kU0bKG-cAqLMD4jE0eRJYefpjrr_mH9JRJpQXNem0/s1600/camera_20131211134951201.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dec. 11 2013</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkYA6th4jMbZIlcdzaRwg8mALACb0yYz1l9Ov9SkDoU5PGEDSXpC7qJqVjqtBHuYD_5znK_4cgyA57JiO1cMMt4tNhh6-MO284EiNaEZGfwp-lEgVkCv82IZaTZejVwlGikfdEbVPVVcs/s1600/camera_20131216222134950.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkYA6th4jMbZIlcdzaRwg8mALACb0yYz1l9Ov9SkDoU5PGEDSXpC7qJqVjqtBHuYD_5znK_4cgyA57JiO1cMMt4tNhh6-MO284EiNaEZGfwp-lEgVkCv82IZaTZejVwlGikfdEbVPVVcs/s1600/camera_20131216222134950.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dec. 16 2013</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyuDfrV5jyCx04g8kOBf4bpwukYWWgLtODMvE4DTm2gnoc511Zuh8-TULLy32FSz5n0_LthmpJdxJbdft6cWQ8lkXrfrUI8xXYMh8EG4eNteHbpDX3SvxOHDXTUHKvFCxUJ7WrxjQWtLc/s1600/camera_20131226055913779.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyuDfrV5jyCx04g8kOBf4bpwukYWWgLtODMvE4DTm2gnoc511Zuh8-TULLy32FSz5n0_LthmpJdxJbdft6cWQ8lkXrfrUI8xXYMh8EG4eNteHbpDX3SvxOHDXTUHKvFCxUJ7WrxjQWtLc/s1600/camera_20131226055913779.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dec. 26 2013</td></tr>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioFJVxD6EORwyyxKnMt9yfWVK2fsj7NF34WWTwZuMTzpg8AfkMLfHbZekRd2ciQJVY8XagZNdw3KhurTxP46PbGZyL0RibTXjyNeCAMFrIbsCBCGPgjm3BdFRa0R100SiuPtgehV5_cZM/s1600/camera_20131229031047179.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioFJVxD6EORwyyxKnMt9yfWVK2fsj7NF34WWTwZuMTzpg8AfkMLfHbZekRd2ciQJVY8XagZNdw3KhurTxP46PbGZyL0RibTXjyNeCAMFrIbsCBCGPgjm3BdFRa0R100SiuPtgehV5_cZM/s1600/camera_20131229031047179.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dec. 29 2013</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtezpVXy3zHMaoaP5rZAiD_CR2SMtqFzZM49AiiwiLlOp6ZvUoZDcPZC7yV4DPCzIKcAaWbSzb6jGEkrldeS6Q9X95CaGhOlsSMItj-Eci-VRGDYYRCG7YrK2Xpo0c4gu6-JIeAE2-GYE/s1600/camera_20131231041531926.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtezpVXy3zHMaoaP5rZAiD_CR2SMtqFzZM49AiiwiLlOp6ZvUoZDcPZC7yV4DPCzIKcAaWbSzb6jGEkrldeS6Q9X95CaGhOlsSMItj-Eci-VRGDYYRCG7YrK2Xpo0c4gu6-JIeAE2-GYE/s1600/camera_20131231041531926.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dec. 31 2013</td></tr>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6GfaPUUWB3IiXuGXakdv7E5C09XUV39yEaRrTG_3_n4yWhj4KXrVqgl7GwY964GDH_J1QQGBPM5EoaW9eKRbrBA29UKespKg3ieQGk7EYPU8oCbKuxg1yNeidctAt2t1RGihFyTJ28Yg/s1600/camera_20140107005918567.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6GfaPUUWB3IiXuGXakdv7E5C09XUV39yEaRrTG_3_n4yWhj4KXrVqgl7GwY964GDH_J1QQGBPM5EoaW9eKRbrBA29UKespKg3ieQGk7EYPU8oCbKuxg1yNeidctAt2t1RGihFyTJ28Yg/s1600/camera_20140107005918567.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jan. 7 2014</td></tr>
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYnvcJhxKVPVxWWckrQV0F7mkiLig0hdcj2ncH9sr-dFtlnqu2YOKvhKsS6YFBf5cwqY8PAEAlsw4JQZ93XahqFoFJ9ulhX9_f1HD7bYQRUkDaZGVe7VDd3bVzkD_vr1f7xmKg_UQcHnA/s1600/camera_20140115234036237_20140116101215497.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYnvcJhxKVPVxWWckrQV0F7mkiLig0hdcj2ncH9sr-dFtlnqu2YOKvhKsS6YFBf5cwqY8PAEAlsw4JQZ93XahqFoFJ9ulhX9_f1HD7bYQRUkDaZGVe7VDd3bVzkD_vr1f7xmKg_UQcHnA/s1600/camera_20140115234036237_20140116101215497.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jan. 16 2014</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtWuRx1_F2R-S7nZXWy0e1DipUMPoUlQM3uAUVSCxSIHIzq4v0gGkikVaKFPfbQRw9vN9fC0NuSMNQud6LxgZrhRynft7gItN0-tcf6ciruCa_9nWnUlbrBBg-74qkJ1boAptaaYGzJS0/s1600/camera_20140128175943581.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtWuRx1_F2R-S7nZXWy0e1DipUMPoUlQM3uAUVSCxSIHIzq4v0gGkikVaKFPfbQRw9vN9fC0NuSMNQud6LxgZrhRynft7gItN0-tcf6ciruCa_9nWnUlbrBBg-74qkJ1boAptaaYGzJS0/s1600/camera_20140128175943581.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jan. 28 2014</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicN1K9EERTNXukqEbh4YpJ_MZJzMsWYTPkPoQkBjwDXIYOR8HBNRhHqHgFR6ouAEGWFSoGRPFVjfj_rXX6hrcVJhkU_u_t0wclNj0_kPKzDahLaQxo1KgU_rSr_AxDzfkRti0WTsgqH1A/s1600/camera_20140210225906430.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicN1K9EERTNXukqEbh4YpJ_MZJzMsWYTPkPoQkBjwDXIYOR8HBNRhHqHgFR6ouAEGWFSoGRPFVjfj_rXX6hrcVJhkU_u_t0wclNj0_kPKzDahLaQxo1KgU_rSr_AxDzfkRti0WTsgqH1A/s1600/camera_20140210225906430.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Feb. 10 2014</td></tr>
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I am loving the way I look. Especially when I look at the stark contrast between that last week in the hospital and now. It doesn't even bother me that the hair in the center of my head sticks straight up. I just love that I have enough hair for it to do that. Here is a better angle of my funky hair that doesn't stay flat and a picture of the first day in a year I woke up with bed head.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaUjiaIwiw1KiEQtVlkXTJboOZ8YPxUdl0TkfqJDru2deJQDgKu7zUhaoMOatZ57bvaB0B5i-glZElDN8MwtWdKvBu_0KHcLLwsXl88kby-H16Q89HEZ1mdmY9TnTDjHsnGSnGiBgM3QA/s1600/camera_20140210225951671.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaUjiaIwiw1KiEQtVlkXTJboOZ8YPxUdl0TkfqJDru2deJQDgKu7zUhaoMOatZ57bvaB0B5i-glZElDN8MwtWdKvBu_0KHcLLwsXl88kby-H16Q89HEZ1mdmY9TnTDjHsnGSnGiBgM3QA/s1600/camera_20140210225951671.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhesvIVtuA8MM0w8dRozO69JtONdvwmQnaXVT98ejsdk_HCyiVyB6ozMUp8YZJ4vzgbfTdTYoW10dgivOogzb_NEHDxWYnLFSEDX03ZwCxB7WmMNA2LxRnykVw_C0O7uPSwF7lD_1qA5BA/s1600/camera_20140125132049066.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhesvIVtuA8MM0w8dRozO69JtONdvwmQnaXVT98ejsdk_HCyiVyB6ozMUp8YZJ4vzgbfTdTYoW10dgivOogzb_NEHDxWYnLFSEDX03ZwCxB7WmMNA2LxRnykVw_C0O7uPSwF7lD_1qA5BA/s1600/camera_20140125132049066.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a></div>
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Now, this is going to seem callous, and it's possible that later I will want to get into all the touchy feely details of how my life drastically changed after finishing chemo, but for now I will give you the whirlwind summary. A week and a half after finishing chemo, I spent an amazing Thanksgiving weekend with my entire family. Five of them (my dad, my brother Daniel, his wife Sheree, my sister Amber, and her fiance Jonathan) left in my dad's plane to go home after Thanksgiving and the plane went missing. They were missing for over a month, and in that time we suffered immensely. We felt pretty sure they had passed away, but hoped and prayed with all our hearts they were still alive. A huge blessing was that Michael and I went to Brazil with his family for two weeks, which was a nice almost-escape from the anxiety. We came back to Provo and the next day flew to San Jose to be with family on what would have been Amber and Jonathan's wedding day (January 4). Thousands of people helped in the search for the plane and on January 10 they found it. Everyone had died on impact on December 1. Michael and I were supposed to move to Wisconsin on January 15, but a week before moving we decided to move to San Jose instead. So Michael turned down his incredible job offer and we packed up and moved job-less into my mom's house in San Jose. Best decision ever. Anyway, there was a beautiful memorial held for all five of our family members that passed away on February 1 and I gave my baby sister's eulogy. Michael and I are now both applying for jobs.<br />
<br />
Wow, talk about a loaded paragraph. Anyway, I just wanted to blurt that out and let you know what's been going on these past few months. For today I only have one comment on all that happened. Cancer seems like old news. Once my family disappeared I was like, "Whaaaat? I thought my life was hard because I had cancer? What a joke." I get the feeling that's how life is. Each trial puts the previous trial into perspective. Enjoy life now, regardless of your circumstances. I thought my life was hard, but it turns out that having cancer is one of the best things that ever happened to me because of the closeness I had with my family during that time, both physically and emotionally. Literally, knowing what I know now, if someone approached me a year ago and said "You can have $1 million or cancer" I would take the cancer. Ahh, the curve balls life throws us.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsC3YV2qZtyH8ALnrk1NumIUrebYANoId0ufODQ7fekLEg3T6NkGbavO6aQS9-9cvVo6XpEmGWCqiHqeKJgTpm8gF4GYxiA-BuE1eYy2WtdMXYpdfa0AT9SMMEVI5Ero3MnhXWEJqbRZc/s1600/P1070696.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsC3YV2qZtyH8ALnrk1NumIUrebYANoId0ufODQ7fekLEg3T6NkGbavO6aQS9-9cvVo6XpEmGWCqiHqeKJgTpm8gF4GYxiA-BuE1eYy2WtdMXYpdfa0AT9SMMEVI5Ero3MnhXWEJqbRZc/s1600/P1070696.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My family Thanksgiving weekend</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-80595686535742464112013-11-10T19:47:00.000-08:002013-11-10T20:55:37.047-08:00Big News<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Besides, of course, the big news that I am checking into the hospital for chemo tomorrow for the last time! I will be there through Friday and will get to ring the glorious bell before leaving. For those that don't know, when you finish chemo you get to ring a bell in the infusion clinic and all the other cancer patients clap for you. Expect a video.</div>
<br />
As I was saying, though, there is other big news. We are moving... to... WISCONSIN! I never in a million years dreamed I would one day be living in Wisconsin, but we're doing it! Michael got an incredible job offer from an incredible company (what can I say? He's brilliant) and I'm really excited about it. He'll begin work at the beginning of February and it just feels like the perfect thing to do. After a crazy year, I just need to get out and start fresh somewhere as a non-cancerous woman.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNhz40wr7o9bL4lVoiC69hG2Jd4jkoBoL7fUGbHX3FRATSIG0Xb6LZQ1j0n6eDQ-d0ize8BczY-Kjfia4k3VRRYJqvD5MGl7ezpFVHQqIXfWsgtI_nB1-ZiGOsXi3i5jWS_JL7fO1jM4s/s1600/wisconsin_cheese.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNhz40wr7o9bL4lVoiC69hG2Jd4jkoBoL7fUGbHX3FRATSIG0Xb6LZQ1j0n6eDQ-d0ize8BczY-Kjfia4k3VRRYJqvD5MGl7ezpFVHQqIXfWsgtI_nB1-ZiGOsXi3i5jWS_JL7fO1jM4s/s320/wisconsin_cheese.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cheese seems to be the only thing anyone<br />
(including myself) knows about Wisconsin.<br />
But really, what else do you need to know<br />
when deciding to uproot your life and move<br />
somewhere?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Other than that, I don't have much to say, just pictures to share. These are not particularly flattering, but they are some really special, intimate pictures that I feel capture what a lot of the last year has been like for Michael and I.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBBv1tu-pCF_2_YmwcA0p8M5mthmDeBfJDEI91o0rin0a35ukwsV9KhYwW1I4uzTZaDHL-BY1T2mwBCA2BQeZ4LT2Q2NMzb6xMuF38t2RM34lgiq42EY83hyVj0uWmxtKhp4o2vaxyux0/s1600/IMG_20131104_024754.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBBv1tu-pCF_2_YmwcA0p8M5mthmDeBfJDEI91o0rin0a35ukwsV9KhYwW1I4uzTZaDHL-BY1T2mwBCA2BQeZ4LT2Q2NMzb6xMuF38t2RM34lgiq42EY83hyVj0uWmxtKhp4o2vaxyux0/s320/IMG_20131104_024754.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Too tired to turn and face the camera. Even<br />
though neither of us is looking, I kind of<br />
love this picture.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_bvxXX1agMP0wgQlOGgyLmQtodjHLc1Tz8f5HBi177Ze31eYmTHTAX1zgZKYDki0caQdnssobz-aAcqN-Up-Af_Oil49fio_57AwGziRwPx-_WsJo4uYPKbv6zSQkh5DBdpIWs1oD0ZI/s1600/IMG_20131020_115017.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_bvxXX1agMP0wgQlOGgyLmQtodjHLc1Tz8f5HBi177Ze31eYmTHTAX1zgZKYDki0caQdnssobz-aAcqN-Up-Af_Oil49fio_57AwGziRwPx-_WsJo4uYPKbv6zSQkh5DBdpIWs1oD0ZI/s320/IMG_20131020_115017.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That one time Michael brought the Atari for me to play at<br />
the hospital.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilmQddH1uKx94UX4g-shmhcytGhmzGeuLrEn0G4siFSLzgEv1kVswK3Ku1KFEqxP-pZAF2vA5MvLVAPQcZCvJUSfWomR067OqUtqfe6Q9tghHfrs4FmFiU9_xzF2zzPectuDt0d9MqeEQ/s1600/IMG_20131107_000722.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilmQddH1uKx94UX4g-shmhcytGhmzGeuLrEn0G4siFSLzgEv1kVswK3Ku1KFEqxP-pZAF2vA5MvLVAPQcZCvJUSfWomR067OqUtqfe6Q9tghHfrs4FmFiU9_xzF2zzPectuDt0d9MqeEQ/s320/IMG_20131107_000722.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I don't remember this, but judging from the shirt it was<br />
last week.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE9dcxfe8pMJ-ihmKt5a7tvuP9iJUqXHn-PkaPkw0NZLaYWldsZlMtNW0oW6sc2wzjBTVDq-_ki20UmU7W5EWTRZ4bB2R0RvRbul8_De9hv_OJJUPqSlKdUHlQUpQqt91q79RiXJiaqTk/s1600/IMG_20131015_212720.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE9dcxfe8pMJ-ihmKt5a7tvuP9iJUqXHn-PkaPkw0NZLaYWldsZlMtNW0oW6sc2wzjBTVDq-_ki20UmU7W5EWTRZ4bB2R0RvRbul8_De9hv_OJJUPqSlKdUHlQUpQqt91q79RiXJiaqTk/s320/IMG_20131015_212720.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think this picture might be hard for some people to see<br />
because I just look so sick and so tired, but this is what<br />
the real, no-makeup, no-wig, sick-in-the-hospital cancer<br />
looks like. Oh, and my arms are up like that because<br />
Michael was just walking in for a surprise visit. Those<br />
are my "hug me" arms.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUzcBJCUmUjCFdkitr84aPWcWVtsCDEXrUisR-QLcqcsB8AsWU2sSeISARgwEHk2T57k_HDpgaNBdKamJX3uWbvH72avFNd-P6f6sVIoOqQDPfAgneE0TTUFX1gBi32Q2o4OuEGDQE04A/s1600/IMG_20131012_195036.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUzcBJCUmUjCFdkitr84aPWcWVtsCDEXrUisR-QLcqcsB8AsWU2sSeISARgwEHk2T57k_HDpgaNBdKamJX3uWbvH72avFNd-P6f6sVIoOqQDPfAgneE0TTUFX1gBi32Q2o4OuEGDQE04A/s320/IMG_20131012_195036.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Texas trip</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirTTRRYrQGPuwuCSeR4c7h_edJXfy2CqHPVhgDYKfm84gwh1TJu06U4rWxWrOENxI-ZgvS34uGqH-zPg2m67VHQifZPeSlOXAoXRWvRByPbAcXAtcrKIDKeN0aibkF0xuGjhgV_ysG3C0/s1600/IMG_20131012_195059.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirTTRRYrQGPuwuCSeR4c7h_edJXfy2CqHPVhgDYKfm84gwh1TJu06U4rWxWrOENxI-ZgvS34uGqH-zPg2m67VHQifZPeSlOXAoXRWvRByPbAcXAtcrKIDKeN0aibkF0xuGjhgV_ysG3C0/s320/IMG_20131012_195059.jpg" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Because I know everyone loves PDA on<br />
the Internet. Just kidding, but it's my blog<br />
so I do what I want. Boo ya. </td></tr>
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Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-64213996332833604002013-11-05T10:22:00.001-08:002013-11-07T08:41:18.973-08:00Giving Credit where Credit is Due<div dir="ltr">
I am very aware that not everyone who reads this shares my religious views. With that being said, I do not apologize for the things I believe in. I do apologize if anything I say comes of as offensive or naive. I assure you that I have nothing but love for all of you. I have cried on the phone to an atheist who brought me great comfort, laughed with a dear gay friend <span style="text-align: center;">as he cheered me up. An agnostic friend has made it a priority to call me regularly to see how I'm doing. These people, all people, are precious to me for the goodness that is within them and I hope you all know that I love you for who you are.</span><br />
<span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span></div>
<div dir="ltr">
That being said, I want to share some really sacred experiences with you about having cancer. Things that have pulled me through and given me a renewed desire to live.<br />
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
1. We believe in something called the priesthood. Here on this earth the responsibility of using the priesthood to bless others rests on the men of the church. They use God's power to bless the lives of others (men, women, children, the sick, tired, lonely, elderly...) It seems to me that every month or so I feel like I just can't do it on my own. My body and spirit are breaking and I don't know what to do so I often ask Michael for a blessing. The words he speaks are inspired and often have the immediate effect of my body being encompassed by peace and the love of my Heavenly Father. Time and time again the words Michael speaks in those blessings address fears and concerns I haven't even spoken about with Michael. One time before I knew I had cancer, but was experiencing excruciating pain in my knees from "bursitis," I asked Michael for a blessing. He told me I would become an example to the women of my church and the pain in my leg would eventuality diminish. I wrote those words down in my journal even though they didn't make sense at the time, and months later began sobbing as I read those words. That blessing was true. Through my experience with cancer, so many women have come and told me what an example I am to them and low and behold the pain in my leg, as a result of a painful but successful surgery, is usually nonexistent. Like many personal spiritual experiences, this one personally showed me that God was there looking out for me and was very aware of my circumstances. He knew even then the pain and suffering I was about to endure in order to be healed.<br />
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
2. I went through a phase where I was constantly terrified of death. I didn't want to die and felt almost with a certainty that that would be my fate. I talked to a friend that is very very special to me, Amy, and she said something to the point of, "Maybe whether you live or die isn't really the important thing you should be focusing on, but how you live your life." I completely believe those words were inspired because she changed my life. When I stop to think about it I do start to feel anxiety about leaving this beautiful world that I love, but ultimately what's important is what I choose to do with my life now. <br />
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
3. There have been many times when I have just laid down in bed and cried, feeling overwhelmed by pain, sickness, and the seemingly never ending road before me of just more sickness and pain. In those moments I truly have felt God's arms wrapped around me filling me with his love and peace. He doesn't always take away the pain, but he does always remind me of the love he has for me.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
There are so many more things I could share with you about how God really has assisted me and my family on this wild journey. However, I think the most important thing is that you know that I know, that through all this I have never been alone. I have felt inexplicable peace during times of immense trials. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for loving me and supporting me through this crazy journey regardless of my sometimes imperfect faith and occasionally drowning myself in unwarranted self-pity. </div>
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Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-27057429214513645102013-10-29T01:15:00.001-07:002013-11-04T15:22:23.088-08:00Almost Finished!<p dir="ltr">Guys, guys! I am in the middle of my last round of chemo!! Yes, you heard me correctly... LAST! In fact, I am done with all the chemos that are really scary for me (doxorubicin, ifosfamide, etoposide, and cisplatin). Actually I don't think etoposide is really a big deal, but it's hard to tell because they always give it to me with ifosfamide, which is scary for my immune system. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Anyway, my last "scary" chemo consisted of doxorubicin and ifosfamide. That one is a double whammy because the dox makes me sick. So sick, in fact, that I truly feel ill even thinking about it. And like I said, the ifosfamide is horrible for my immune system, not to mention my bladder. You may recall that ifosfamide (better known as ifex) really did a number to my bladder, so the fact that I had to get it again was scary. Dr. Litton got me all freaked out about how if the bleeding in my bladder didn't stop, I would have to get my bladder removed. Um, what? Granted, he said it was like a 1% chance, but still! Can you imagine a more horrifying thought to a 23 year old girl? You probably can. Regardless, we felt it was important for me to do this round inpatient so we could protect my bladder as I was receiving the chemo. I will, again, spare you the details, but it was a long 8 days in the hospital.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Me on day seven: Man, I need to get out of here! I am getting some serious hay fever.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Mom: Um, you mean cabin fever?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Ah, yes. The hospital was not giving me bad allergies, but rather making me go crazy from being couped up indoors. Anyway, I am still feeling crazy fatigued blah blah blah. I feel like me blogging about feeling sick and tired is getting repetitive. More exciting is the fact that Michael has been applying to jobs, and two of the companies paid for both of us to fly out, eat, and stay in a hotel so Michael could interview with them. Yay! So we got two all expenses paid vacations to Texas and Wisconsin! It was so fun, and although we're still deciding on what to do, both were excellent experiences in their own ways. I don't have any pictures in Texas, but there are a few from Wisconsin. Maybe I'll show you those in my next post since I don't have my camera with me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Also, I know there's like this unspoken/spoken rule about never posting selfies because they are lame, but I think if you have a day where you feel good about the way you look, and publicly documenting that day makes you feel better, you should do it. Having said that, 90% of the time, I actually look like this:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji7yuU6CtxsMgWWgO1OUezh3JZgCEvwMSsCNS2NUvTYaoKxNbfKlQShge3lPJ4p4JnfKrGwH7XS4nawAoZ48zzie3WaMrh4a9vnoWWr2zo3VOqR2XzwkayoKeJ50GcZtDq815O9vVRcvI/s1600/download.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEji7yuU6CtxsMgWWgO1OUezh3JZgCEvwMSsCNS2NUvTYaoKxNbfKlQShge3lPJ4p4JnfKrGwH7XS4nawAoZ48zzie3WaMrh4a9vnoWWr2zo3VOqR2XzwkayoKeJ50GcZtDq815O9vVRcvI/s640/download.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">So when I wore my wig and did my makeup, I obviously had to document it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkDuoXZPnuPFEL0tt_BGds9NxRLgO66U59ZuKKipRL2ShSET86K_LOxFxN28yIEEZPgg42Go5gEcZiHc_U4bd-DdCq_Vm0P0xKw-nERmlQbje-ROKZxMpe5XBUP8pGlWJwS_XkU-Cj7EA/s1600/camera_20131025113201911.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkDuoXZPnuPFEL0tt_BGds9NxRLgO66U59ZuKKipRL2ShSET86K_LOxFxN28yIEEZPgg42Go5gEcZiHc_U4bd-DdCq_Vm0P0xKw-nERmlQbje-ROKZxMpe5XBUP8pGlWJwS_XkU-Cj7EA/s640/camera_20131025113201911.jpg"> </a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit3JurNC5l6q8mmh0XlNolVHpSTCbF6qJQDCtp6PWqe0kBI8SWHRJsh43kfNwCWMOo8WEdgbHgo_h9f9rX1xO4JfP-KYrscdu9YKLxHWGDBvAzuypky4i4XTFpixnFqPuleyJ0et5pgm0/s1600/camera_20131025215018543.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit3JurNC5l6q8mmh0XlNolVHpSTCbF6qJQDCtp6PWqe0kBI8SWHRJsh43kfNwCWMOo8WEdgbHgo_h9f9rX1xO4JfP-KYrscdu9YKLxHWGDBvAzuypky4i4XTFpixnFqPuleyJ0et5pgm0/s640/camera_20131025215018543.jpg"> </a> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-5681612518949601042013-10-04T13:18:00.000-07:002013-10-09T11:25:21.711-07:00My Life...<p dir="ltr">...is awesome. I'm not being sarcastic, I just love it (at least this week. Who knows about next week).</p>
<p dir="ltr">I was supposed to be in the hospital this week for high-dose methotrexate, but when I checked in to the hospital, they did a blood test and my platelets were too low so they sent me home. I was originally super bummed about having to put off chemo for a week, but I realize now how much my body needed this break. I've been able to sleep in late, get stuff done at home, use the bathroom an almost normal amount, enjoy food again, and hang out with the coolest husband ever.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Highlights:<br>
-Eating the majority of a cookie sheet full of homemade nachos with Michael<br>
-Watching an entire season of Parks and Rec in like... 4 days<br>
-Going to the temple with Alicia for her birthday<br>
-Welcoming Brian (my brother-in-law) home from his mission in Russian and the Baltic States<br>
-Getting the stove cleaner than I've seen it in years<br>
-Talking to my aunt Melissa on the phone<br>
-Having energy and motivation to do things! Having cancer makes you feel like the laziest bum ever so it was nice for the fog to clear and for me to feel almost normal again.</p>
Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-315742137599236932013-09-20T12:53:00.001-07:002013-09-24T12:06:54.513-07:00Embarrassing Chemo Side Effects<p dir="ltr">Oh, what a pleasant last week it's been. Ha ha. I tend to share really personal things on here, but the nature of my latest chemo adventure just does not allow for full disclosure. I will try to tactfully explain what's going on without going overboard on the TMI. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So what is my latest body part affected by the chemo? My. . . bladder! Trust me, this is a part of your body you want to function properly. My latest chemo was five days in a row of both ifosfamide and etoposide. Ifosfamide is known for irritating the bladder, so, like always, they gave me a drug called mesna to help protect the bladder. Clearly it did not work this time around. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I was in a lot of pain Saturday through Wednesday, having these horrible bladder spasms. When I would have one I imagine it was like a contraction. I couldn't talk through it, sometimes tears, usually squeezing anything close to me tightly until it was over. Saturday night I went to the ER where they guessed I had a UTI. They gave me some morphine while there, sent me home with some medications, and said it would clear up soon. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The ER communicated with the cancer center about what had happened and as soon as the cancer center was open again on Monday, they called me. They are much more familiar with my chemo regimen and side effects and things. They told me they didn't think it was a UTI and recommended I go to the hospital immediately. So I packed a small bag and headed to the hospital. I expected to leave within a day or two, but boy was I off. It is now Friday and I am still here. </p>
<p dir="ltr">This is where I will majorly gloss over the details. It turns out my bladder is just really irritated. They have tried a ton of things to get me better. Luckily, I'm not really having the bladder spasms anymore, I'm just painfully using the restroom every fifteen minutes to one hour, which is annoying, but a serious improvement. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Why am I still at the hospital? Mostly because my counts are just so low. Despite getting three units of blood and two units of platelets, things continue to drop, specifically my platelets. Platelets are what help you to stop bleeding if you get a cut or something. They are nervous to send me home because if my platelets continue to go down, my bladder will continue to be irritated and bleed even more. Yeah, not a pretty picture. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So I'm just chillin here at the hospital, using the bathroom way too much, and waiting for my counts to come back up. </p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>Question</b><b>:</b><b> How many times did Crystal use the bathroom from 10:15am  to 10:15pm (a twelve hour period)?</b></p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>Answer</b><b>:</b> <b>25</b></p>
Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-89012204717457488712013-09-10T13:20:00.001-07:002013-09-10T13:21:46.601-07:008/9<p dir="ltr">Beginning my eighth out of nine chemo cycles!</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpMQq4P00HOjeL1vPRlocZnwN19z2SQrj9MoAGbjGUQ-H_gvLUXKEno9HZKDifGPh2LMC8cnovNBaxsGcUyVhWIHRPK-HGZ8jvJUPOixePuMb5puA_FgWzF_hcySkaTgvQIAFZtxGnQwI/s1600/camera_20130910130641389.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpMQq4P00HOjeL1vPRlocZnwN19z2SQrj9MoAGbjGUQ-H_gvLUXKEno9HZKDifGPh2LMC8cnovNBaxsGcUyVhWIHRPK-HGZ8jvJUPOixePuMb5puA_FgWzF_hcySkaTgvQIAFZtxGnQwI/s640/camera_20130910130641389.jpg"> </a> </div>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-89353440780779754942013-09-06T23:37:00.000-07:002013-09-09T16:10:03.271-07:00Story About a Cancer GirlOnce upon a time there was a girl who had her whole world crash in on her. She found out she was sick and that the only way to get better was to fill her body with poison. She lost her job, she lost her ability to run and be active, she could no longer take care of herself and new husband, and her physical appearance felt to her to have lost any semblance of femininity. She, a skinny girl to begin with, lost 25 pounds. She lost her hair, she lost her lashes, her skin became pallid, and her eyes, gaunt. She now waddles around with a cane and smiles back at the well-meaning people who stare and then timidly smile at this sick, pathetic woman.<br>
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She sometimes feels sad and bitter that the lively, awkwardly funny, disorganized educator and adoring wife she once was have now been replaced by a single title, "Cancer Patient."</div>
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Many people ask her, "What do you do all day since you're not working or going to school?" She laughs and replies that she asks herself the same question. She's filled with shame as she reflects on the last 9 months filled with hours of mindlessly surfing the web, watching TV, playing games, reading and occasionally trying new things like crocheting. She thinks about the fact that waking up in the morning isn't a challenge because of exhaustion, but because she is once again waking up to a morning without purpose. </div>
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It sounds bleak, and for her, life sometimes is. But sometimes, she and her husband go grocery shopping. Her husband jumps on the back of the motorized shopping cart and they zoom down the aisles, laughing like there's no one else in the store. Sometimes her nurses tell her she is their very favorite patient and she takes pride in knowing it's true. Sometimes friends come over and play video games and they get fake-mad when they die playing Mario Kart. There are ice cream runs and Mini-golf dates. And sometimes, life is the opposite of bleak. It's exquisite.<br>
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And then sometimes life is peaceful, comforting, and consumed by the love she feels for and from others. After reading an inspiring scripture, talking with people she cares about, or getting swept up in meaningful prayer, she lets her eyes close and she slips into sleep without any fear or regrets. She sleeps peacefully knowing that life was never meant to be a series of simple, painless situations, but a series of heart wrenching events that, with help from our Heavenly Father and loved ones, help mold us into better, stronger people.<br>
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This isn't the first time that girl has blogged about her roller coaster life, and she certainly isn't the first to have a roller coaster life. We all are oscillating between enduring and enjoying life. No one is exempt. She just has the good/bad fortune of having her roller coaster life be in plain view.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div>I wanted to write about the good and bad of cancer and for some reason, writing it in the form of a short story seemed the easiest, though this doesn't even cover 1/1,000 of the things I've experienced and felt so far.</div><div><br></div><div>No matter what you believe, I hope you can feel the truth in this scripture and be overcome with the same peace I feel when I read it.<br>
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<i>Doctrine and Covenants 58:3-4</i><br>
<i>Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. </i><br>
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Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-23558181547678392482013-09-03T12:01:00.001-07:002013-09-06T21:08:35.458-07:00Insurance!<div dir="ltr">
Wow, I am really going on a blogging rampage! Awhile back I mentioned the long term disability insurance company denied our claim. We decided to hire an attorney and appeal the decision. And guess what. . . we won! Last week we got our first check in the mail with everything they owed us from the last 5 months. Woo hoo! Hiring an attorney was one of the best decisions I've made and if someone else finds themselves in a similar situation, I would highly recommend Andrew Reichardt. Anyway, this means that Michael and I will be able to continue to support ourselves, stay in Utah, and remain out of debt. This was truly a miracle. </div>
Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-54365490899060647362013-09-03T09:53:00.001-07:002013-09-03T10:19:29.166-07:00Grateful for the blessings, but so ready to be done<p dir="ltr">Well, by Friday I will have officially completed 7 out of 9 cycles of chemo. I will have stayed in the hospital 11 times, 5 days each time, since December. I will have received high doses of 5 different chemo drugs, survived an excruciating and simultaneously miraculous surgery to piece my leg back together, plus another minor surgery to fix up the first one.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Our bodies are amazing. We can do truly horrible things to our bodies and often times they bounce right back and continue to function. I would be lying if I said there have been no side effects. For example, I am currently enjoying all the fun symptoms that accompany menopause. Every 23 year old's dream! But I can walk! I can breathe! I can laugh with my husband! I can swim! And you KNOW I work that stationary bike. Ha ha. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I guess I'm saying we all have different trials, but there are always blessings to help sustain us; there are always things to learn. Part of me does feel bitter that I had the life I always wanted, and in a matter of days that life was gone. My new life consisted of pain, sickness, devastating physical changes, a lot of dependence on other people, and a total lack of direction and purpose. Yet I have never felt more love, hope, and a desire to be better. I have never felt more at peace with both life here on earth and life after death. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Despite loving so many of the blessings that have found me during this trying time, I could not be happier to announce that. . . </p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>I</b><b> </b><b>have</b><b> 2 </b><b>months</b><b> </b><b>and</b><b> 6 </b><b>days</b><b> </b><b>left</b><b> </b><b>of</b><b> treatment. </b><b>Boo</b><b>. </b><b>Ya</b><b>. </b></p>
<p dir="ltr"> Miss you eyebrows.</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizm09BUNsjHAjVqagsJtmMfz2A5alehtD3j3OxUz6D4JKjf4EXHXw2L9FdTOPrLZdHe_kOQMhDyDAa0a8Q2YkAUfJXhx0hd3J6MDKF-5SAFj9QIU56ral3B-3KCrBc9ZUFtcOzjA67bh0/s1600/IMG_20130517_235526.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizm09BUNsjHAjVqagsJtmMfz2A5alehtD3j3OxUz6D4JKjf4EXHXw2L9FdTOPrLZdHe_kOQMhDyDAa0a8Q2YkAUfJXhx0hd3J6MDKF-5SAFj9QIU56ral3B-3KCrBc9ZUFtcOzjA67bh0/s640/IMG_20130517_235526.jpg"> </a> </div>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-1366683503613221122013-08-23T16:35:00.000-07:002013-09-02T20:27:13.943-07:00Chemo Star<p dir="ltr">I had an appointment with my oncologist today (best oncologist ever-- Dr. Gregory Litton) and he said I'm a chemo star. Woo hoo! Apparently I am doing amazingly well because I've been through 7 rounds of the hardest chemo around and have only been to the ICU once. Who knew this is what amazing feels like? Ha ha.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I was particularly scared to start chemo this most recent time because although it's the easiest on my immune system, it's also my most nausea-inducing chemo. Last time I got it, it was baaaad. I mean, throwing up many times a day for many days. This time (and no this is not a commercial) I got the Zofran patch. Amazing! No throw ups! I still felt nauseated and slept a lot, but I was up and doing things much sooner than previously. Plus, Michael has been between semesters so we have been partying. Partying married-people style. We've played mini-golf, croquet, bocce ball, bowled, eaten out, played video games, cooked, and spent time with friends. Heaven.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Oh and we've gone shopping. This is from awhile ago, but check out the picture of me at the bottom of the page at Walmart when my immune system was down. I would have been embarrassed if Michael hadn't been right there with me. Something about having a hot husband that still likes you even when you look like this gives you confidence. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Alright, time for a funny cancer story. Hopefully it's as funny to you as it was to me. Michael and I were at the outlets shopping and I didn't have any makeup or my wig on. To me, it was incredibly obvious that I have cancer. Michael says it wasn't, but come on, what do you think when you see a pale, bald woman? Anyway we were checking out and the cashier asked, "Would you like to donate a dollar to help in the fight against cancer?" She looked up timidly. Michael and I laughed and said no. I followed it up by saying, "We hate people with cancer." The poor cashier clearly didn't know how to respond and Michael hurriedly tried to explain that I was only joking. Oh boy. Maybe it's just me, but it seemed funny to ask an obvious cancer patient to donate towards cancer. Not bad or offensive or anything, just funny. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Annnd another selfie because when I actually take the time to put my wig on, it needs to be documented.</p>
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That's what Michael calls the month of July. We have our anniversary on July 9 and my birthday on July 26, so he ends up working really extra hard to make me happy. From all the celebrating to chemo going great (well, you know, chemo is chemo), it really was my month. And I actually have pictures to document it all! </div>
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Our anniversary was celebrated in the hospital this month since I was there getting high-dose methotrexate, but it really was great. Okay, admittedly methotrexate does crazy things to my memory, but from what I do remember, it was excellent. We got pizza from the cafeteria, opened presents, and just enjoyed each other's company. </div>
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And not to brag, but I am horrible at drawing and I spent forever on this sign for Michael that I hung up in my hospital room and I am quite proud. (For those of you who don't know, Michael is big into video games.)</div>
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After getting chemo (this round it was ifosfamide and etoposide), I felt pretty sick for a few days and then felt better, as is typical with these drugs. However, I continued to feel extremely tired. Not like sleepy tired, but my body was tired. I could barely walk more than a few steps without getting out of breath and needing to sit down. This is also pretty typical, but it lasted a little longer than usual. I went to get a routine after-chemo blood test and unfortunately all of my counts were in the pits. Pretty much everything that could be low, was extremely low. My white blood cells were at 0.3 and my neutrophils were at 0 (same numbers as when I was admitted to the ICU). My red blood cells, platelets, hematocrit, hemoglobin, potassium, and magnesium were all very low as well. That's why I was continuing to feel so tired.</div>
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Two days later (the day before my birthday), my counts had not really improved, so I was admitted to the hospital just for the day to get 2 units of blood and platelets. As soon as my platelets were done, they took my temperature and it was slowly climbing. I went home and continued to take my temperature obsessively about every 5 minutes. I started to cry as my temperature quickly rose to 100.6. I was scared, and folks the ICU is not a fun place to be. I called the cancer center and my oncologist told me that it is not uncommon for transfusions to cause a low fever. He told me to take some Tylenol and go to the hospital if it rose past 101 degrees. Well, that Dr. Litton knows what he's talking about. My fever came right down and stayed down and I got to attend my awesome birthday party the next day. It is incredible that despite having no immune system, I did not get sick and I had tons of energy to enjoy spending time with so many friends and family. </div>
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Oh, and Michael is the best. He got me my 2 favorite video games and some new clothes for my birthday. The first video game he was too excited to give me so he had me open it a few days early. </div>
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Now, in belated celebration of our 2-year anniversary, I will close with some pictures of Michael and I. Michael has been my very best friend and greatest support for the last 6 years now and it has been wonderful. Here are just a few pictures beginning with our first date in 2007, and ending with this year. </div>
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***ALL PICTURES FROM MY PARTY WERE TAKEN BY ROMNEY OLSEN. Check him out at <a href="http://romneyolsen.com/">romneyolsen.com</a>.<br />
<br />
***THE AWESOME DJ AT MY PARTY WAS <a href="https://www.facebook.com/ButlerEventsDJ?ref=br_rs">KEVIN BUTLER</a> </div>
Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-11494086225247777622013-07-22T11:29:00.001-07:002013-07-22T11:29:25.205-07:00Appreciating Life<p dir="ltr">This morning I woke up and didn't feel that sick! It's like a dark film had covered my eyes for a week, but now it was gone and I could see light and joy and everything right with the world. I lay in bed and spread out (Michael was already up), I felt the plush pillow next to me and just felt so happy that it was so soft (I like soft things), I thought of all the delicious things I could eat for breakfast, and when my husband was done getting ready I kissed the heck out of him because he is so stinkin' cute. I still have barely any energy. Walking to the kitchen gets me out of breath, but ALWAYS after feeling sick, this is how I feel. The tiniest things make me happy and I can stop thinking about whether or not I should continue with chemo. I can stop thinking about fatigue and the sickness and the toll this is taking on my family. I can just think about how beautiful life is and how I never want a plush pillow or delicious breakfast to go unappreciated. </p>
<p dir="ltr">That's the thing about cancer. When I am sick I close my eyes and do my best to escape to any place other than the one I'm in. Any place with less pain, sickness, and hard things. When I feel well my eyes are wide open, soaking up and appreciating life. It's quite the roller coaster. Those bad times increase the magnitude of every great moment though. My one fear is that this appreciation for life will slowly fade after I finish treatment. I'll go back to my same old self complaining about the same old stupid things. I'm sure it will fade somewhat, but I don't actually think you could ever go through something like this and stay the same. I hope not. </p>
Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-70436731320973767492013-07-06T17:18:00.001-07:002013-07-22T10:25:30.526-07:004th of July Weekend<p dir="ltr">I have officially been home for a week now and I feel great! I've been feeling really good since last Saturday, but have just started getting my energy back up in the last few days. I know I said I would talk more about the ICU, but I want to talk about other stuff.</p>
<p dir="ltr">After I got home my body was still soo tired. But I recovered well enough to attend Drum Corps Encore on the 3rd. Michael is a drummer and big into marching band stuff, so I was excited to go with him as an early anniversary celebration. Some of the bands were incredible and the Santa Clara Vanguard was jaw-droppingly good. They played music from Les Miserables and I don't think anyone wanted them to stop playing. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The 4th of July at the Christensen house is always fun because our porch faces the parade route. We can count on people camping out on our lawn the night before and us getting yelled at for forgetting to turn off our sprinklers (Uhh, wait why are you mad at us? Aren't you the ones camping on our front lawn without asking? Crazy Provo people.) We can also count on lots of noise late into the night and early in the morning. Fireworks, yelling, bands practicing, horns honking, the works. I know I sound sarcastic in saying it's fun, but it really is. This year was no exception.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Another treat was my parents taking us to Stadium of Fire. This year Cirque du Soleil, Carly Rae Jeppson, and Kelly Clarkson all performed followed by an incredible fireworks show. I'm going to be honest, Kelly put on an awesome show and I loved it. She blew Taylor Swift out of the water as far as stage presence and being at ease with the crowd. And that girl's vocals... Shoot. I'm a fan.</p>
<p dir="ltr">So that was my fun, healthy week. I am checking back in to the hospital on Monday and will be there through Friday, meaning Michael and I get to spend our 2 year anniversary in the hospital. Boo. But a 2 year anniversary in the hospital means 80 more anniversaries out of the hospital, so I'm all for it. </p><p dir="ltr"><br></p><p dir="ltr">"Michael, it's my first time in the ICU! Take a picture!"</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJC4ylv2HREXxI9ZNZg_NQQNUaMszyINcwbenOlS8VP0T68Og03uUXzt-ogp64VLSt72Ypo66O92cT1Hj51AigxFONYVYPHoR1oTHPtDaORHS4aalo498cBDyv8TIA-MJepREmv9q__GI/s1600/0625132020.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJC4ylv2HREXxI9ZNZg_NQQNUaMszyINcwbenOlS8VP0T68Og03uUXzt-ogp64VLSt72Ypo66O92cT1Hj51AigxFONYVYPHoR1oTHPtDaORHS4aalo498cBDyv8TIA-MJepREmv9q__GI/s640/0625132020.jpg"> </a> </div>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-21764443933816823282013-06-27T22:27:00.000-07:002013-06-27T23:43:28.139-07:00The ICU<p dir="ltr">I just wanted to give a quick update on here because I know a lot of people are hearing things and wondering how I'm doing, but I really haven't been up to talking much about it. Number one reason being I have horrible sores lining my throat so it is often literally painful to talk! So here is my tale of my most horrific cancer experience yet:</p>
<p dir="ltr">It all started probably around Saturday (the 22nd) when I jinxed myself by saying, "Wow, if this is as bad as it gets, this is my best chemo yet!" Ha ha. Monday night I started to feel really bad. I threw up many times during the night and knew I had a fever because I was FREEZING. By Tuesday morning I was in bad shape. Michael had already gone to work and it took all my energy to get from my room to the living room where the thermometer and my cell phone were. I took my temperature and it was over 104 degrees! My body ached, I dared not leave my throw-up bowl, I was freezing, I had a high fever, a sore throat, and I was out of it. I called the cancer center and they told me to get my booty over to the ER. Luckily, the first person I called (Allie, who is awesome) answered her phone and acted like there was nothing she would love more than to drive me to the ER.</p>
<p dir="ltr">After many hours and many tests they found that my counts were horrible (my white blood cell count was .2 and I had 0 neutrophils). So pretty much any kind of bacteria or virus could have made me sick. They sent me up to the ICU and I was there for 2.5 days. They found out that the cause of my sickness was one puny little bacteria which would not have done anything to a healthy person, but could have seriously have taken my life if I'd tried to just tough it out a bit longer. (I'm being a little melodramatic here, because with a fever that high there's no way I would have just stayed home. Just let me be melodramatic so we can all appreciate my presence in this world that much more.)</p>
<p dir="ltr">Anyway, I have been given so many medications, it's crazy. But I have now graduated from the ICU to the normal hospital. I still don't feel great, but I feel awesome compared to the last few days. We are waiting for me to go 24 hours without a fever and for my counts to come up so I at least have some sort of immune system before I go home. Alright, I actually have some funny stories and thoughts about the whole experience, but I will save them because I am exhausted. I just felt the need to post this and let everyone know what's happening. I have felt the love and the prayers.</p>
Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-23548167926354342132013-06-03T23:06:00.001-07:002013-06-03T23:58:41.982-07:00New Drugs<div dir="ltr">
I finished my first round of the new drugs! I had to stay in the hospital for 5 days while they infused me with the new chemo drugs (Ifosfamide and Etoposide). I was really nauseous, sleepy, and fatigued for 3.5 days after I left the hospital, BUT less nauseous than with doxorubicin and cisplatin.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I have no recollection of this picture being taken. Ha ha.<br />
Also, it's the only picture of me from this round of chemo.</td></tr>
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I also had the grand experience of getting sick (like, some kind of infection) for my first time since my diagnosis. As you guys probably know, chemotherapy compromises your immune system so it's really easy to get sick. Another result of chemotherapy is that your body can't really fight off infection. So when I got the chills and took my temperature I was pretty freaked out. If I get a fever of over 100.4 degrees, I'm supposed to immediately call the cancer center, so I did, thinking they would for sure admit me to the hospital. The on-call oncologist told me to just monitor my fever over the next 24 hours and call if nothing changed. What? I mean, having never had a fever before as a cancer patient, I may have been a little melodramatic about the whole situation, but within the next few hours I got bad headaches, a sore throat, and my fever got up to over 102 degrees. So I continued to harass the on-call doctor a few more times that night and the next morning. He prescribed me an antibiotic and told me I would be just fine. And I was. Turns out he actually knew what he was talking about. The bummer was that I had just started to recover from the chemo when I got the fever, so my "feel good" time was reduced by a few days, but fortunately I'm feeling great right now. </div>
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So great, in fact, that I was able to go to the Taylor Swift concert last night with Michael, my sister, and our friend, Melanie. Oh boy, I'd forgotten how loud concerts are! Every time Taylor Swift made her "Blue Steel" face, I knew to plug my ears because that crowd of 14,000 women got LOUD. It was a lot of fun, though. I've always liked Taylor Swift and as an added bonus Ed Sheeran performed and he was also incredible. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It's a little dark, but hopefully you can still<br />
see us standing in front of T Swift's huge face!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ9XOaF9heCEvF-cCwWvuyWuKVU-UwAKfgdX07k66nLiAozukqS0mvmb2OsufhznP3Bjd1_PcPtp4xtWMpCBxLdb7MXU2nsu4SNnT9ox2axpPqkZLpmSkuUkEx1FqekMZokfSau7R1sk0/s1600/IMG_2242.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ9XOaF9heCEvF-cCwWvuyWuKVU-UwAKfgdX07k66nLiAozukqS0mvmb2OsufhznP3Bjd1_PcPtp4xtWMpCBxLdb7MXU2nsu4SNnT9ox2axpPqkZLpmSkuUkEx1FqekMZokfSau7R1sk0/s320/IMG_2242.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Michael's "I'm too cool to be here" face. He used to love<br />
Taylor Swift. When I ask him what happened, his response<br />
is "I became a man." Ha ha.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq_XgxLFSySmL4b3_KfZkzgz63L6OLwl4PpPk8VcQ73x16NnvGWd3SfEIDcYrvO11cnPjGA-A0S6MLj5X4NdlIyTx1S-16IotV24WpFOvWSvrDa1XQPCTobUic4GG1R8rA02tRJfyaKEk/s1600/IMG_2244.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq_XgxLFSySmL4b3_KfZkzgz63L6OLwl4PpPk8VcQ73x16NnvGWd3SfEIDcYrvO11cnPjGA-A0S6MLj5X4NdlIyTx1S-16IotV24WpFOvWSvrDa1XQPCTobUic4GG1R8rA02tRJfyaKEk/s320/IMG_2244.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Little sissy.</td></tr>
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Okay and now since I am super behind on posting pictures, you get a random spattering of pictures from the last few months.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP9ZqUCZw-kOlt_A55Z9heVD766ECvDYKAmh3Adn4eX3Kpp5jDa6A-lgL8iYzsyCL0GNunzYbHUQcbCH5J_lYuzITEGLSuxftzPkrPBWcNnjiz257TkkNHb8bkI2CrenLPn5r658RDt9E/s1600/IMG_2239_edit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP9ZqUCZw-kOlt_A55Z9heVD766ECvDYKAmh3Adn4eX3Kpp5jDa6A-lgL8iYzsyCL0GNunzYbHUQcbCH5J_lYuzITEGLSuxftzPkrPBWcNnjiz257TkkNHb8bkI2CrenLPn5r658RDt9E/s320/IMG_2239_edit.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My best friend from high school, Monique, flew all the<br />
way to Utah to visit. Sadly, this unflattering picture of me<br />
is the only one we took of us while she was here. </td></tr>
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Something too many people take for granted is being physically able to leave the house and go on dates with their spouse. I think dating is crucial to having a happy marriage and although poor Mikey has a wife that only has one functional leg, is usually sick, and often gets tired after standing for 60 seconds, we do try to have fun at home still. For example, Michael and I made a fort over our bed. We used one of my crutches to hold up one side though, so I just couldn't leave the house for a few days while we left the fort up. Ha ha. We definitely have our priorities straight. Also, check out that hair! This was before I started chemo again and it actually got about an inch long. I miss it.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is what happens when you try to include two people<br />
and a bed fort in a selfie. </td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You eventually have to give up on including the fort and<br />
just take a picture of yourselves.</td></tr>
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I also just realized that I did not post any pictures on here of my leg post surgery. I have some truly disgusting pictures of my leg from when the incision was open and not healing, but just in case some of you have eaten recently, I will not post those on here! You may still want to use caution before looking at these next pictures though. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm_xlIVQ0nacBPScrVNpzuImY-y2oR_JLVxe_Pc4vAaj1N6TGC5gXlC-JpJ4c0aYHhWtMJok11gKbGDz58FmPZMErIs7YWJnpJAAOryHKuflM6rs4fJGfGMhcFkrufhPBDZcgSZzWaGXU/s1600/IMG_2208.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm_xlIVQ0nacBPScrVNpzuImY-y2oR_JLVxe_Pc4vAaj1N6TGC5gXlC-JpJ4c0aYHhWtMJok11gKbGDz58FmPZMErIs7YWJnpJAAOryHKuflM6rs4fJGfGMhcFkrufhPBDZcgSZzWaGXU/s320/IMG_2208.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This picture shows how atrophied my left leg became after<br />
not using for about a month. It's a little thicker now that<br />
I'm putting some weight on it, but still pretty skinny.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-FeuGunkzpngEMx7T_HlXJgAQ4BNCzAJRbZseWEf0vDWlUG0rdAxhYZR6IVxPRc4qIK1A3flS8EuYMIzIHlUGER_KfKr99MDGT7avMunOMXNFVv9OF46kZiXA3BWR4M7zlWxjYBc8kHQ/s1600/IMG_2212.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-FeuGunkzpngEMx7T_HlXJgAQ4BNCzAJRbZseWEf0vDWlUG0rdAxhYZR6IVxPRc4qIK1A3flS8EuYMIzIHlUGER_KfKr99MDGT7avMunOMXNFVv9OF46kZiXA3BWR4M7zlWxjYBc8kHQ/s320/IMG_2212.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My leg stitched up after my second surgery to <br />
close the incision. Believe it or not this is <br />
BEAUTIFUL compared to my leg before. </td></tr>
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Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-20225823510818118322013-04-22T21:49:00.001-07:002013-05-10T22:51:24.634-07:00Looking Forward to Whatever the Future Holds<p dir="ltr"><b>Written 4/22/13</b></p>
<p dir="ltr">Well, guys, I started chemo again this week. Way worse than I expected. I mean, I'd done this twice before so I'm not sure why it was so shockingly horrible. You go into the infusion clinic, they fill you to the brim with poison, and then send you on your way to suffer through the worst kind of stomach flu out there. I'm on Day 5 and just baaaaaarely starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I need to get me some better anti-nausea meds. My normal ones are just not cutting it.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">Anyway, I didn't start this post to complain about how horrible it's been the last few day. It has been horrible, and I will touch on that, but you would not believe all the amazing experiences I've had in the last few weeks. </p>
<p dir="ltr">You guys know from my previous post that the last few months have been horrendous for me. I truly felt like I'd reached my emotional, spiritual, and physical limits and then gone 1,000 miles past them. A big reason for that is I got fixated on whether I was going to live or die. Like I mentioned before, it was bad news, after bad news, after bad news and it seemed like I was watching my life crumble in front of me. I wasn't ready to die and it wasn't fair. I'm a newly wed, I want to raise kids. I want to teach, I want to serve a mission with Michael, I want to have decades ahead of me to become my best self. </p>
<p dir="ltr">One night I was really struggling and felt I needed to call my aunt Melissa (for those of you who don't know her, she is incredible, I idolize her, and she is one of my very best friends). So I called. Annnd she didn't answer. Instead of being discouraged though, I remembered that she had posted a link to a talk on my Facebook. This was the talk: http://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/02/refined-in-our-trials?lang=eng</p>
<p dir="ltr">That talk made all the difference for me. I feel total peace. If at the end of this I still end up dying, that's OK. I look forward to it; it's something I'm excited for. Returning home to my Heavenly Father, loved ones that have already passed on, and and a pain-free, functional body are just some of the perks. On the other hand, life is beautiful. I have an incredible husband, I have a degree in something I love, I want to raise children, and I have so many goals for self-improvement that I want time to achieve. I guess I'm saying that I will fight for my life until the bitter end, and if that's not enough, I get to go some place wonderful and pain-free, which doesn't sound so bad either. </p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>5/10/13</b><br>
Yesterday I was lucky enough to have attended my best friend's wedding. I got pretty emotional during the ceremony, first of all because Jenn is one incredibly special girl who has found someone perfect for her to spend forever with. Second of all, I couldn't help but think of when Michael and I got married. As I listened to the promises Jenn and Taylor made with each other, I felt it deep in my heart that no matter what happens, if we get mad at each other sometimes, if we have financial struggles, or if cancer ends up taking my life, Michael and I will be together forever. He will always be my husband that I love. That is true peace. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Oh and people keep asking me about my wig. In the pic with the supermodel next to me (another awesome friend I will always love) I'm wearing my wig! Does it look real?</p>
<div class='separator' style='clear: both; text-align: center;'> <a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfvaavQh2n2GifeLBM-mHfQJGcqLzgwXzQkkLhg8jjydkHPcwTwANMqRP0bQc6dTS8M8xRt4dXJHXtM4VAEYmM5hghKWxU4T-dih8TTBr-BwamGPIy28YyrgoigNY96pvGxgt09F13oYk/s1600/269880_10150251625847834_3539611_n.jpeg' imageanchor='1' style='margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;'> <img border='0' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfvaavQh2n2GifeLBM-mHfQJGcqLzgwXzQkkLhg8jjydkHPcwTwANMqRP0bQc6dTS8M8xRt4dXJHXtM4VAEYmM5hghKWxU4T-dih8TTBr-BwamGPIy28YyrgoigNY96pvGxgt09F13oYk/s640/269880_10150251625847834_3539611_n.jpeg' /> </a> </div><div class='separator' style='clear: both; text-align: center;'> <a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh18wdvSuxWmHfErqZew1DyznlQ2MWasSqOPSa-O7E4pcOKCLVIKiThK3mIYOaZIx13m5faHDgHVcAGn2H231FnrBxN2EAq2AomszNoqgNy9aZ52JhII_wgE-R2K6hgBwvJsGLlzkQ7Ogs/s1600/947064_10151417350726850_1541257353_n.jpeg' imageanchor='1' style='margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;'> <img border='0' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh18wdvSuxWmHfErqZew1DyznlQ2MWasSqOPSa-O7E4pcOKCLVIKiThK3mIYOaZIx13m5faHDgHVcAGn2H231FnrBxN2EAq2AomszNoqgNy9aZ52JhII_wgE-R2K6hgBwvJsGLlzkQ7Ogs/s640/947064_10151417350726850_1541257353_n.jpeg' /> </a> </div>Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-45147896710211190112013-04-10T15:28:00.001-07:002013-04-10T15:28:44.114-07:00Walking!No, I did not have explicit permission from my physical therapist or my surgeon to do this. Also, my knee was killing me that whole night after this, but you know what? It was so totally worth it.<br />
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<br />Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-74376790241321125222013-04-08T00:46:00.000-07:002013-04-08T00:47:16.778-07:00Life is HardWow. It has been a long time since I've updated and I apologize. I think there are really two reasons why I haven't been updating my blog:<br />
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<li>My laptop cord is broken.</li>
<li>This has probably been the darkest, most challenging time in my life and not a time I've been particularly excited to write about.</li>
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I think the hardest thing about surgery has been all the unforeseen complications. From the moment I woke up in the hospital it has been one thing after the other. Chemo was hard, but everything went as expected or better than expected. I was so optimistic, but time and time again since my surgery my positivity has been shattered by more bad news. As much as I'd like to brush the hard things off and tell you it hasn't been that bad, that's just not honest. It's been bad, it's been excruciating, and it's been overwhelmingly discouraging.<br />
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For starters, that week I spent in the hospital was horrific. It's something I still don't want to write publicly about. One thing you should know though is that while I was there I found out that as a result of the surgery, I now have nerve damage in my foot. I only have feeling in half of my foot and I can't bend my foot up, so it just flops around when I don't have a brace on to hold it up. My surgeon is optimistic that I will get feeling back, but we don't know for sure.<br />
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The next item of bad news came a week after I left the hospital. When they remove the tumor, they test it to see how much of the tumor is dead (what the necrosis is) and that lets us know how well I've responded to treatments. I have felt so excited to find out the necrosis of the tumor almost since I started treatments because I've been so confident that I've responded well. A good response is 90% or higher. Unfortunately I found out that the necrosis of the tumor in my leg was 75%. Now, that's not horrible, but it is considered a poor response. The survival rate of those with a poor response to chemo is about 15% lower than that of people with a good response, and now we need to try and change up the chemo. Instead of having 4 more 36 day rounds, I will now have 7 more 28 day rounds. We are also adding 2 more drugs to the recipe called ifosfamide and etoposide. Because osteosarcoma is a pretty rare cancer and the use of these drugs is new, it is unknown as to how effective these other drugs are in comparison to the ones I was already using. I guess I feel like this is my best bet though. If I didn't try changing things up, I might regret it my whole life. So I'm doing it. Wish me luck!<br />
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Another unfortunate thing is that my incision wasn't healing. It opened up and was about 1/2 inch wide and 1/2 inch deep. We tried waiting for it to heal, but it wasn't making much progress, so I had to have an additional surgery to remove some tissue and close it up. Now that it had finally closed, I was hoping to start chemo again, but my leg got infected, which can be incredibly dangerous. I am on antibiotics and hoping to start chemo in a couple weeks, but my leg is still super red, so I'm not counting on it.<br />
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Lastly, I was denied my long-term disability claim. Apparently because I saw a doctor and was diagnosed with bursitis in June, I have a "pre-existing condition" as their policy defines it. I met with an attorney to try to appeal it, but it doesn't look like it will have a favorable outcome. It's a bummer because they were the ones who were supposed to give me 60% of my salary each month and pay for my health insurance. We have other options and will be fine, but it's just one more thing I don't have the emotional capacity to worry about right now.<br />
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If you can't tell, it's been a rough month and a half for me. I really have never experienced so much physical pain in my life; I had no idea just how frustrating it is to not be able to get around on my own, to not be able to bend my ankle, and to not have feeling in half of my leg and foot. Then I had to face sheer disappointment and fear when my doctor told me about the low necrosis of the tumor and my lower survival rate. I had to have another surgery, my leg is infected, and we will soon have no income.<br />
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Life has been hard. BUT (here is the one glimmer of optimism in this blog) life would be so pointless if we never had to go through hard things. What would we learn? Would we appreciate anything? God let his Only Begotten Son go through more pain than any human being can comprehend. God allowing us to feel pain doesn't mean he doesn't love us. He allows us to feel pain so we can learn and mature and become more like him. When I'm hurting it's pitiful how quickly I forget that.<br />
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If any of you are having a hard time, <a href="http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/mountains-to-climb?lang=eng">this talk</a> has made such as big difference for me.<br />
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I also want to add as a quick note that I'm not posting this because I'm looking for pity or because we're not getting enough help. We have had so much help, and it has been awesome. I'm posting this because it's honest. We're getting hit pretty hard right now, and it sucks. But at least when I'm heavily medicated and able to feel something other than physical pain, I feel that these are experiences we can benefit from.Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-38884215379623899742013-02-15T19:28:00.000-08:002013-02-15T21:52:37.088-08:00Meeting With My SurgeonYesterday I met with my surgeon for the first time since my diagnosis! I have been looking forward to this appointment for a long time. As you can probably imagine, removal of the tumor is kind of a crucial part of treatment and I didn't know anything about it. Nothing. Although not everything my surgeon told me was positive, it was such a relief just to have answers to my questions and to get some sort of idea of what recovery and the rest of my life will look like.<br />
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First things first, my surgery is scheduled for Wednesday, February 20. Yeah, THIS Wednesday! I am going to have an APC, which stands for Allograft Prosthetic Composite. An allograft is bone from a cadaver (dead person). The prosthetic part is the metal part. I get to have both. I really want to include the details of surgery on here both for myself and for other people to know what's going on (I will probably even tell my parents to look at this blog for the details because it's hard to explain) so I'm sorry if this is just way too much information for you. You can skip over it if you want. I won't be sad!<br />
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Alright, so as you most likely know, the cancer is inside the top of my tibia (the shin bone). Here is a picture of my MRI. The big white spot (not the glare from the camera, but the other white spot) is the tumor in my left leg. The bone should all be black in the image, like it is in my right leg.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEpeWBLWVhyphenhyphen76C4uJQ7dT-TnfJqjflH0cDGzDp_8A4BKaFk-TSL6VOJuYt7w2vjHC_EvGX6BOaMg3CV1XyYh3SitvPGCjziIsdQeR5kgLQNJuj3hEUZK3iElxKfw777CjoXKU6IWttlG8/s1600/IMG_2178.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEpeWBLWVhyphenhyphen76C4uJQ7dT-TnfJqjflH0cDGzDp_8A4BKaFk-TSL6VOJuYt7w2vjHC_EvGX6BOaMg3CV1XyYh3SitvPGCjziIsdQeR5kgLQNJuj3hEUZK3iElxKfw777CjoXKU6IWttlG8/s400/IMG_2178.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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This is a better picture, but for some reason Blogger is automatically rotating it and I can't figure out how to unrotate it. So lame.<br />
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Here is an image of the cross section of my bone. So imagine if you cut the bone and looked inside of it. This is what you would see. (I circled the cancerous part for you juuuust in case you couldn't see it).<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjquMyYs_eSauLhsK0wVYX99BziFcGoUO0OUUc2VUZlUX_KsZBRsieA9_1Z1LhqolE0v9Ojs7nt5Vax1j8Ats9AmpqncmP_6PpLMJA5ZM7-qhQD3THMYCoE0Gh_JSeHXx4JvnA5Afq9Da8/s1600/cross_section_of_bone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjquMyYs_eSauLhsK0wVYX99BziFcGoUO0OUUc2VUZlUX_KsZBRsieA9_1Z1LhqolE0v9Ojs7nt5Vax1j8Ats9AmpqncmP_6PpLMJA5ZM7-qhQD3THMYCoE0Gh_JSeHXx4JvnA5Afq9Da8/s320/cross_section_of_bone.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Alright, so that's where the tumor is. Since it is inside of the bone (which a lot of people don't realize) you can't just go in, take out the tumor, and call it a day. The bone itself has got to go. 15-20 years ago it would have been a given that I would lose my leg. Today they can do some truly remarkable things to help me keep it. It's called limb-salvage surgery. What they are going to do is remove the top portion of my tibia and put something similar to this (but not exactly) in its place.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw9M3JSF53vpeqhheM4tgsDpVWztMfx2lsuXANOUNM1wPykeHSC-LOUE7uQEAUDVLCj5PsiaE0nTbcWWetgkm9qlIiUJK9EUls4cHx45lSkeewDk7Oo86mSV3cSfaoBBtqve-2gO8eC_k/s1600/allograft_prosthetic_composite.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="106" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw9M3JSF53vpeqhheM4tgsDpVWztMfx2lsuXANOUNM1wPykeHSC-LOUE7uQEAUDVLCj5PsiaE0nTbcWWetgkm9qlIiUJK9EUls4cHx45lSkeewDk7Oo86mSV3cSfaoBBtqve-2gO8eC_k/s320/allograft_prosthetic_composite.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
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Typically when you replace someone's knee you can just have a smaller version of that metal contraption, but because they have to remove the top part of my tibia it's a little more complicated.</div>
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Here is a model of a leg. </div>
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Looking at this model you can see why it would be challenging to remove that top portion of my tibia. There is a tendon attached to it. They have not yet found a way to attach the tendon to a metal rod, so they have to put an allograft (remember that means a bone from a dead person) on the rod like in the above picture. The allograft they give me will still have the tendon attached. They will then suture the dead person tendon to my tendon and I will end up with something sort of like this (the top metal portion is different from what mine will be like, but the rod and bones are about the same). The black arrow is pointing to the allograft, the white arrow is pointing to my bone that's left. Hopefully you can imagine the tendon part.</div>
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Sorry, I know it's confusing, but it's hard to find images online of exactly what I'm going to get. It's a fairly rare form of cancer and the most common place to get it is in your femur. </div>
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So I'm going to be in the hospital (my home away from home) for 5ish days and then I will be on crutches for 3-6 months. Yuck. I remember playing around with my brother's crutches and my under arms would hurt after about 2 minutes. Maybe there is a special technique for using crutches that I don't know about. I was talking to an old man with a cane and I told him I would prefer a cane over crutches. He was like "But if you have two crutches you can hit two people at the same time!" Ha ha. So that is what I plan to do to maintain a positive attitude. . . go around hitting people with my crutches.</div>
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Long term we're not sure exactly what life will be like for me. I might have a limp for the rest of my life, I might not. One thing that was really hard for me is the surgeon told me that he doesn't want me to run ever again. I think he saw my eyes well up when he said that and so he followed it up by saying "You never know, nothing is 100%." But I do think it would be a huge risk to put that much impact on a carefully pieced together leg/knee. I've never been a super consistent runner, but it's always been something that I've loved. I ran track and cross-country in high school and I've had waves of consistent running throughout the last 5 years of being in Utah. It is truly one of the best feelings to go out and run faster and farther than you did the day before. I love mapping runs and setting goals for faster times. My doctor said he would recommend things like biking and swimming, but yesterday I just felt overwhelmed with sadness because those aren't things that I'm passionate about.</div>
<br />
I say "felt" in the past tense because today I see it differently. I realize what a miracle it is that I CAN KEEP MY LEG. Guys, I'm going to be able to walk, and swim, and bike, and do almost everything that normal people do despite having cancer, despite having part of my bone removed, and despite having a chunk of metal in my knee and my tendon sutured to a dead person's tendon. I think sometimes I'll still feel sad that I can't go out for a run and I still might be super jealous of people that post on Facebook about the races they're entering, but I just need to try to remember how incredible my body is in overcoming the things it has overcome. I might not ever be able to run a faster mile time, but I've destroyed a malignant tumor and come out on top despite being consistently poisoned for many months. At least I hope that will be the case in 5.5 months when I finish treatment!Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-39224076592137653662013-02-08T18:17:00.000-08:002013-02-08T18:23:16.150-08:00Highs and LowsEvery low moment in this journey has been preceded and succeeded by high moments that more than compensate for the lows. Yesterday I hit another low. I got out of the hospital on Monday, but was just feeling really sick and horrible still Tuesday through Thursday. I don't usually feel that bad between methotrexate treatments, so it was really discouraging that I had to come check back into the hospital yesterday before I had even finished recovering from my previous hospital stay. My sister came to pick me up in the morning to go to the hospital and I was still in my pajama bottoms and hadn't finished packing. I felt sick and tired and essentially had a melt down. I lost it. My sister brought my duffle bag out to the car and while she was outside I burst into tears. I really just didn't see how I could go back and put myself through the sickness again. Michael pulled me onto his lap and wiped away my tears. He insisted I could do it and then proceeded to tell dumb jokes like he always does to make me feel better. I was able to pull it together and make it to the hospital, but I still had that feeling of despair sitting deep in the pit of my stomach, wearing away at my resolve to continue with treatment. Like I said, that was a low for me. The highs that have accompanied that low have more than compensated for the trials though. Like, for example:<br />
<br />
I had one of the neatest experiences on Tuesday. One of my very dear friends and pretty much my idol in life came to visit me along with her two sweet kids. I taught with her last year and she is just everything that I want to be. Anyway, I could go on all day about how incredible this woman is, but to the point, Crystal. Geeze. She walked into my house with a huge gift bag. Hmm. Wasn't expecting that. And then I opened the gift bag. My eyes started to well up as I pulled out a beautifully crocheted blanket from the secretary at my previous school. There was a card signed by most of the faculty there. And there was a hot pink tablet case. Uh, what? My heart almost stopped. I finished pulling out the rest of the tissue paper to find a brand new Nexus 7. Yeah. Apparently the faculty at Hobble Creek pitched in to buy it for me so I can bring it back and forth to the hospital with me. I am still in shock. I couldn't believe how thoughtful they were! I am obsessed with my new Nexus. I have probably played Boggle on there over 100 times already, I'm loving playing Words With Friends back and forth with my husband while I'm stuck here and he's in Provo, and I am even typing this blog post on the Nexus. I know I've said this before, but I am just constantly blown away by how good and thoughtful people are. I couldn't even begin to list all the amazing, kind things you have all done for me, but know that the Facebook messages, texts, comments, phone calls, visits at home and in the hospital, dinners, hats, socks, blankets, cards, and letters have not gone unnoticed. You are all truly inspiring and make me feel like I really can make it through this. You guys make me want to be so much better than I am. So thank you. To all of you.<br />
<br />
Another high was having my sister spend the night in the hospital with me last night. She climbed up on bed with me and we played Boggle on the Nexus for hours. It was a blast! I'm so lucky to have her here.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiZGeGUodnB1ah4DGSywE99DmE6vdxNBMf5UeylhDFdwJT7dQ3jhiPfxdlpg2kAyc_1KcZwrS4VM7TaIyQmeDtJ7U4aEnQtHxEbg9MBqdYzK3zgkm-wYrUQEzR47nLk-peEJ7aMLw3LqM/s1600/camera.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiZGeGUodnB1ah4DGSywE99DmE6vdxNBMf5UeylhDFdwJT7dQ3jhiPfxdlpg2kAyc_1KcZwrS4VM7TaIyQmeDtJ7U4aEnQtHxEbg9MBqdYzK3zgkm-wYrUQEzR47nLk-peEJ7aMLw3LqM/s400/camera.jpg" width="358" /></a></div>
The last high was this morning. Today I went on as walk around my floor and it was so fun! If you walk around the whole floor 10 times it equals a mile. Guess who pushed her IV stand around the floor 10 times? Oh yeah. Considering I usually get tired after standing up for more than a couple minutes, this was quite the accomplishment. During my walk a bald guy complimented me on my bald head. I was like, "Do you have cancer too?" Nope. He was just a nice bald guy. Ha ha. We compared head shapes and smoothness and I quite enjoyed it. But note to self: maybe I shouldn't ask every bald guy I meet if he has cancer. Ha ha.Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-69704546000493648762013-02-05T14:24:00.002-08:002013-02-09T13:21:46.738-08:00Feeling Peaceful<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The lows of chemo are SO low. I haven't ever experienced physical trials like this before. When I'm sick and miserable, I sometimes even begin to question whether or not it's worth it to keep pushing forward. However, there is something truly beautiful in being pushed to your limits and then feeling completely surrounded by love, grace, miracles, and peace. There have been more times than I can even count in these last few months when I have been surrounded by angels. Sometimes they are friends dropping by to visit or bring us dinner; sometimes they are nurses sitting down in my hospital room just to talk; sometimes it's nobody that I can see, just an overwhelming feeling that I am loved and never ever alone. And you know what? Cancer is hard, it's frustrating, and it's painful, but I don't think I would wish it away if I could. It's really hard to explain, but something tells me that for the rest of my life I will look back on these experiences and feelings with reverence and gratitude. Miracles are everywhere, every single day. If there's one thing cancer has taught me so far, it's that. And if there's one thing I wish everyone knew, it's that. God sees you, he knows you, he loves you, and there really are miracles everywhere. I <i>knew</i> that before I had a cancer, but now that there are way less distractions in my life and I am much more frequently brought to my knees, I <i>feel</i> it all the time. Some people can feel it all the time without needing to have crazy, life-threatening illnesses, but I'm stubborn so I needed the life-threatening illness.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">That's really all I needed to say today. Other things definitely worth mention though are</span></span><br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">My medicine is making me lose my mind. I called my aunt today to apologize for sleeping the whole time she was visiting me in the hospital, only to hear from her that I was awake the whole time, we talked, and really enjoyed each other's company. I wish that was the only experience I've had like that.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Surgery is coming up in a few weeks! I'm nervous, but excited! It will be so nice to find out what the necrosis is of the tumor in my leg and get a more definite prognosis.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I organized me and Michael's drawers. They're beautiful.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I cleaned the inside of my bathroom sink handles. If I've talked to you in the last week I have probably casually brought this up in our conversation because I'm so proud. I mean WHO unscrews their sink handles to clean inside of them. That right there is taking homemaking to the next level, my friends. And maybe that would earn me a couple more bragging points if I could walk across my bedroom without tripping on anything. Yikes. You win some, you lose some. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am home from the hospital! Woo hoo!</span></li>
</ol>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Aaaaand some pictures. </span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidSUJBAQAHi-4uP_v8C3xV-5B9NRJY5c6q_Lfz0ImHMaKJbMZUm_jrIwFHzbJNCSthHIBXg0FzOo1EJLE3wFje70T4AxWcOikeqadjLzKnXMN_WqNwEmlm_SZFCzL9j7yNi51abcRTkpk/s1600/IMG_2151.jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="184" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidSUJBAQAHi-4uP_v8C3xV-5B9NRJY5c6q_Lfz0ImHMaKJbMZUm_jrIwFHzbJNCSthHIBXg0FzOo1EJLE3wFje70T4AxWcOikeqadjLzKnXMN_WqNwEmlm_SZFCzL9j7yNi51abcRTkpk/s320/IMG_2151.jpg.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Playing Set in the hospital with Amber</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOLQUGytOxw9yuxQ6rjy4_YagrqIQj-Tbhw8MNuo8t0AzjIne29FSbdRABZz9eiPMYxtKDjIdLS9ajG43YWfZq7skWaCxgOUMBcVMecI1CofU2NcmYJ06SqXRUxRHoO1WR8OQFtjB1K-w/s1600/IMG_2153.jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOLQUGytOxw9yuxQ6rjy4_YagrqIQj-Tbhw8MNuo8t0AzjIne29FSbdRABZz9eiPMYxtKDjIdLS9ajG43YWfZq7skWaCxgOUMBcVMecI1CofU2NcmYJ06SqXRUxRHoO1WR8OQFtjB1K-w/s320/IMG_2153.jpg.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I can't remember for sure, but I'm guessing this picture was<br />
not taken at the end of the game =]</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ6aGH0dcDjuylIgb_ssmoIgAgvBJ70G1cRtOTSEw_O6uUQrsAjTw8GiQ-oQ-I5j-HkKcvI9Z0KQ6i7K_ElbJsUa2Hk2sMwf1XtTKsQHWdJnzR6g9FJhCIbNlJlwxwl998wBBrFu9GBgc/s1600/IMG_2155.jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ6aGH0dcDjuylIgb_ssmoIgAgvBJ70G1cRtOTSEw_O6uUQrsAjTw8GiQ-oQ-I5j-HkKcvI9Z0KQ6i7K_ElbJsUa2Hk2sMwf1XtTKsQHWdJnzR6g9FJhCIbNlJlwxwl998wBBrFu9GBgc/s320/IMG_2155.jpg.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Super Bowl party hospital-style</td></tr>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh68tNb3soIGLNtOf9_KPq61k2JpFViJqGTY0luKd4p5pxJhlppCRSWKxFbwajxbFSHASAlQgH97VwCzUM3obY0QmvQNikDgK6a3tEA-plQdTR5FbN4GuIMbbqGVWqh2IbEDDX78J3m4pc/s1600/IMG_2158.jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh68tNb3soIGLNtOf9_KPq61k2JpFViJqGTY0luKd4p5pxJhlppCRSWKxFbwajxbFSHASAlQgH97VwCzUM3obY0QmvQNikDgK6a3tEA-plQdTR5FbN4GuIMbbqGVWqh2IbEDDX78J3m4pc/s320/IMG_2158.jpg.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8544959842058055663.post-15324830723590293402013-01-10T13:11:00.000-08:002013-01-10T13:17:56.979-08:00High-Dose MethotrexateIt's official: I survived the first round of chemo! I am 1/6 of the way done! Wow. Saying that actually makes the finish line seem really far away. So I am going to stop thinking about that ridiculously small fraction and focus on the fact that I made it through an entire round, the world hasn't ended, and I haven't felt ANY pain in my leg since I started chemo. Since I have finished a whole round, I now have some sort of idea what the next many months will look like for me (I know some of this is a repeat).<br />
<br />
Day 1- Get chemo for 7-8 hours<br />
Day 2- Get chemo for 7-8 hours<br />
Day 3-9 Feel really sick<br />
Day 9-20 Feel good, but get tired easily and sometimes a little queasy<br />
Day 21-25 Check into the hospital and stay for 5 days while I get pumped full of poison/other fluids<br />
Day 26-27 Feel okay, still a little sick and tired<br />
Day 28-32 Check into the hospital and stay for 5 more days<br />
Day 33-36- Feel okay<br />
Start over<br />
<br />
I know, I know. I didn't blog about my hospital stays. I guess I can catch you up. I had to stay in the hospital twice for high-dose methotrexate. These weren't emergency hospital visits, they were a planned part of my chemotherapy and will unfortunately be happening every round. Methotrexate is very effective in killing cancer cells, but could be devastating for many of my good cells if it wasn't followed up with a "rescue" 24 hours later. So they give me this other drug called leucovorin that rescues me from the poison they just pumped into me, give me lots of fluids to flush it all out of my system, and monitor me very closely until the methotrexate is out of me. That's the short version anyway. <br />
<br />
I doubt you want a play-by-play of the 10 days I spent in the hospital (most of which consisted of sleeping, watching way too much TLC, and knitting) so here are just my most favorite and unfavorite things about staying in the hospital.<br />
<br />
Favorites:<br />
-The fun bed<br />
-I could ask the nurse for a sack lunch any time I got hungry<br />
-Walking around my floor while pushing around my IV stand<br />
-Watching football games and movies with Michael<br />
-Nurses from my first visit hearing I was back and coming to say hi<br />
-Visits from family<br />
-Having food brought to me for all three meals- this was an unfavorite for the first visit, but by the second visit I figured out what foods were safe to order<br />
-Having lots of time to knit<br />
<br />
Unfavorites:<br />
-Nights--between having to use the bathroom every 2 hours and nurses coming in to give me meds and draw blood every 2ish hours, sleep was hard to come by<br />
-Nurses coming in while I was sleeping in the middle of the night or morning, flipping on the light switch, and trying to hold a conversation with me<br />
-Being tethered to an IV at all times<br />
-Trying to change my shirt with tubes going from my chest to an IV stand. I had to get pretty creative sometimes.<br />
-My face getting really chubby from all the fluids. At least I think it was the fluids. I'm going to say it was the fluids.<br />
<br />
K, I'm just going to apologize for how wordy this post is. I can't think of a single blog I like to look at that isn't 75% pictures, at least. I will make a conscious effort in the future to take pictures of everything. And just so your click over here to my blog isn't totally in vain, here are two random pictures I just took of myself on the webcam so you could have pictures. Be grateful because it was super awkward to sit here in the infusion clinic and take pictures of myself.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzwWRY7MXONY0y030Px7_MUSntl8EfjQPLZ9TgTtWcQGSGJRf9-Vyq3NPUUdc8boKw6U_gvOB7dMp6eiJ8b5H2oU9ocupZwFg3a5kh2AXNsYVYm5Pdt52adLPCR51OcItfE1CktT_Nxfs/s1600/knitting_chemo_jan10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzwWRY7MXONY0y030Px7_MUSntl8EfjQPLZ9TgTtWcQGSGJRf9-Vyq3NPUUdc8boKw6U_gvOB7dMp6eiJ8b5H2oU9ocupZwFg3a5kh2AXNsYVYm5Pdt52adLPCR51OcItfE1CktT_Nxfs/s320/knitting_chemo_jan10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Finishing knitting my second scarf</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiBcPsG9AIPtX4MqfHiEW6otYtF__z0qPaxEZhtoaJw9wtDsNHMgSQCcCMCmaeYiKnihWGbDDIBrJ6Jkk7lFtGBwh_AaoU4p0xZTdHF9uwHlYWuppIzvJI4PhcwLoT1i-bQPP11QEG-nk/s1600/chemo_jan10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiBcPsG9AIPtX4MqfHiEW6otYtF__z0qPaxEZhtoaJw9wtDsNHMgSQCcCMCmaeYiKnihWGbDDIBrJ6Jkk7lFtGBwh_AaoU4p0xZTdHF9uwHlYWuppIzvJI4PhcwLoT1i-bQPP11QEG-nk/s320/chemo_jan10.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me pretending to be smiling at something on my computer<br />
screen. What? Me taking a picture of myself on my laptop?<br />
No no no, there's just something funny I'm reading online.</td></tr>
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Crystalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07873764026089002491noreply@blogger.com9