Bald

That's what I am now. From the time I was diagnosed with cancer, I never really thought I would care about losing my hair. That might sound dumb or untruthful, but there were much more significant things I was worried about than losing my hair. You might remember it was one of the things I joked about with my students to lighten the mood when I first told them I had cancer. We laughed about my baldness and joked about what color my hair would be when it came back.

"MRS. CHRISTENSEN, WHAT IF IT COMES BACK GREEEEEEN?"
"Then I will look awesome."
"AND YOUR EYEBROWS COME BACK PINK!"
"AND YOUR EYELASHES COME BACK RED!"
"That would be so cool. I will definitely come show you guys if that happens."

And since I'm going off on a tangent about funny student comments, I HAVE to throw this one in. The whole class was telling me I need to visit, they were making supportive comments, etc. etc., when one of my students said, "Um, Mrs. Christensen, if you do come visit will you PLEASE wear a wig. Bald people, like, really freak me out. Especially bald women." I had to suppress my laughter. "Yes, I think maybe I could wear a wig." "WHEW. Ok good." One thing I love about 5th graders is the wide range in social development. But that is totally a topic for a different day. This was supposed to be one of those DEEP posts where I, you know, talk about emotions and stuff.

My doctor told me I would probably start to lose my hair around Day 14 of treatment and by Day 17 it would be gone. We left to go to my in-laws' house for the holidays around Day 14, so we were sure to bring all my hats, scarves, and my wig with us. I was lucky because my hair didn't even START falling out until around Day 17. Let me tell you though, I had no idea the emotional toll it was going to take on me. My poor husband. Often at night I would just go to bed and cry. And really, it wasn't about the hair. It was about saying my final goodbye to the life that I had wanted for myself. I can't run, I feel sick a lot and tired most of the time, I'm unable to teach, Michael and I can't have children right now . . . it seemed like nothing about my life was normal and cancer-free except for how I looked on the outside. I truly felt like my appearance was the last normal thing I was clinging to, and now even that was leaving me. Michael was so good though. I would be sad and he would just tell me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am and how he was excited for me to shave my head. I look back and am still impressed by him. There were so many wrong things he could have said to me, but he didn't say any of them. I love him.

Anyway, as I ran my fingers through my hair, strands started to come out. It started just a few hairs at a time, but by Day 20 it was a mess. We're talking almost handfuls of hair coming out. It was weird. I was losing so much hair, but because I had so much hair to start with you couldn't tell that my hair was thinning. Despite continuing to look normal, I decided to shave my head just because of the mess my hair was starting to make. My sweet mother in-law first shaved my hair into a mohawk, then just left a nasty little patch on the front of my head, and finally finished shaving it all. I feel pretty proud that I kept it together the whole time she was shaving my head and made it all the way up to the shower before giving in to a good cry.

Then you know what? An amazing thing happened. I got out of the shower, spent an extra long time putting my makeup on, put on the new J.Crew cardigan I got for Christmas, and felt good. I didn't feel hideous, I just felt bald. I then went and put on my wig. It turns out the wig looks better than my natural hair. Amazing. I still totally covet people with hair attached to their heads, and Michael was making fun of me as I frantically wrote down the phone number on the infomercial promising "a full head of hair" to middle-aged men with receding hair lines (Just kidding. Sort of). But I really am surprised that women shaving their heads isn't more popular.

Ladies, let me tell you the benefits of shaving your head:
-Amount of shampoo used to wash hair: I use a bean sized dollop of 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner
-Time to dry hair: 3 seconds to pat it dry with a towel
-Time to fix hair: 0 seconds
-Time spent throughout the day worrying if your hair is in place: 0 seconds
-Points for being "edgy": At least 6

Love this man.