Well, guys, I started chemo again this week. Way worse than I expected. I mean, I'd done this twice before so I'm not sure why it was so shockingly horrible. You go into the infusion clinic, they fill you to the brim with poison, and then send you on your way to suffer through the worst kind of stomach flu out there. I'm on Day 5 and just baaaaaarely starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I need to get me some better anti-nausea meds. My normal ones are just not cutting it.
Anyway, I didn't start this post to complain about how horrible it's been the last few day. It has been horrible, and I will touch on that, but you would not believe all the amazing experiences I've had in the last few weeks.
You guys know from my previous post that the last few months have been horrendous for me. I truly felt like I'd reached my emotional, spiritual, and physical limits and then gone 1,000 miles past them. A big reason for that is I got fixated on whether I was going to live or die. Like I mentioned before, it was bad news, after bad news, after bad news and it seemed like I was watching my life crumble in front of me. I wasn't ready to die and it wasn't fair. I'm a newly wed, I want to raise kids. I want to teach, I want to serve a mission with Michael, I want to have decades ahead of me to become my best self.
One night I was really struggling and felt I needed to call my aunt Melissa (for those of you who don't know her, she is incredible, I idolize her, and she is one of my very best friends). So I called. Annnd she didn't answer. Instead of being discouraged though, I remembered that she had posted a link to a talk on my Facebook. This was the talk: http://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/02/refined-in-our-trials?lang=eng
That talk made all the difference for me. I feel total peace. If at the end of this I still end up dying, that's OK. I look forward to it; it's something I'm excited for. Returning home to my Heavenly Father, loved ones that have already passed on, and and a pain-free, functional body are just some of the perks. On the other hand, life is beautiful. I have an incredible husband, I have a degree in something I love, I want to raise children, and I have so many goals for self-improvement that I want time to achieve. I guess I'm saying that I will fight for my life until the bitter end, and if that's not enough, I get to go some place wonderful and pain-free, which doesn't sound so bad either.
Yesterday I was lucky enough to have attended my best friend's wedding. I got pretty emotional during the ceremony, first of all because Jenn is one incredibly special girl who has found someone perfect for her to spend forever with. Second of all, I couldn't help but think of when Michael and I got married. As I listened to the promises Jenn and Taylor made with each other, I felt it deep in my heart that no matter what happens, if we get mad at each other sometimes, if we have financial struggles, or if cancer ends up taking my life, Michael and I will be together forever. He will always be my husband that I love. That is true peace.
Oh and people keep asking me about my wig. In the pic with the supermodel next to me (another awesome friend I will always love) I'm wearing my wig! Does it look real?