This morning I woke up and didn't feel that sick! It's like a dark film had covered my eyes for a week, but now it was gone and I could see light and joy and everything right with the world. I lay in bed and spread out (Michael was already up), I felt the plush pillow next to me and just felt so happy that it was so soft (I like soft things), I thought of all the delicious things I could eat for breakfast, and when my husband was done getting ready I kissed the heck out of him because he is so stinkin' cute. I still have barely any energy. Walking to the kitchen gets me out of breath, but ALWAYS after feeling sick, this is how I feel. The tiniest things make me happy and I can stop thinking about whether or not I should continue with chemo. I can stop thinking about fatigue and the sickness and the toll this is taking on my family. I can just think about how beautiful life is and how I never want a plush pillow or delicious breakfast to go unappreciated.
That's the thing about cancer. When I am sick I close my eyes and do my best to escape to any place other than the one I'm in. Any place with less pain, sickness, and hard things. When I feel well my eyes are wide open, soaking up and appreciating life. It's quite the roller coaster. Those bad times increase the magnitude of every great moment though. My one fear is that this appreciation for life will slowly fade after I finish treatment. I'll go back to my same old self complaining about the same old stupid things. I'm sure it will fade somewhat, but I don't actually think you could ever go through something like this and stay the same. I hope not.