Monday, April 22, 2013

Looking Forward to Whatever the Future Holds

Written 4/22/13

Well, guys, I started chemo again this week. Way worse than I expected. I mean, I'd done this twice before so I'm not sure why it was so shockingly horrible. You go into the infusion clinic, they fill you to the brim with poison, and then send you on your way to suffer through the worst kind of stomach flu out there. I'm on Day 5 and just baaaaaarely starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I need to get me some better anti-nausea meds. My normal ones are just not cutting it. 

Anyway, I didn't start this post to complain about how horrible it's been the last few day. It has been horrible, and I will touch on that, but you would not believe all the amazing experiences I've had in the last few weeks.

You guys know from my previous post that the last few months have been horrendous for me. I truly felt like I'd reached my emotional, spiritual, and physical limits and then gone 1,000 miles past them. A big reason for that is I got fixated on whether I was going to live or die. Like I mentioned before, it was bad news, after bad news, after bad news and it seemed like I was watching my life crumble in front of me. I wasn't ready to die and it wasn't fair. I'm a newly wed, I want to raise kids. I want to teach, I want to serve a mission with Michael, I want to have decades ahead of me to become my best self.

One night I was really struggling and felt I needed to call my aunt Melissa (for those of you who don't know her, she is incredible, I idolize her, and she is one of my very best friends). So I called. Annnd she didn't answer. Instead of being discouraged though, I remembered that she had posted a link to a talk on my Facebook. This was the talk:

That talk made all the difference for me. I feel total peace. If at the end of this I still end up dying, that's OK. I look forward to it; it's something I'm excited for. Returning home to my Heavenly Father, loved ones that have already passed on, and and a pain-free, functional body are just some of the perks. On the other hand, life is beautiful. I have an incredible husband, I have a degree in something I love, I want to raise children, and I have so many goals for self-improvement that I want time to achieve. I guess I'm saying that I will fight for my life until the bitter end, and if that's not enough, I get to go some place wonderful and pain-free, which doesn't sound so bad either.

Yesterday I was lucky enough to have attended my best friend's wedding. I got pretty emotional during the ceremony, first of all because Jenn is one incredibly special girl who has found someone perfect for her to spend forever with. Second of all, I couldn't help but think of when Michael and I got married. As I listened to the promises Jenn and Taylor made with each other, I felt it deep in my heart that no matter what happens, if we get mad at each other sometimes, if we have financial struggles, or if cancer ends up taking my life, Michael and I will be together forever. He will always be my husband that I love. That is true peace.

Oh and people keep asking me about my wig. In the pic with the supermodel next to me (another awesome friend I will always love) I'm wearing my wig! Does it look real?


  1. That was a short simple post, but powerful! It takes a lot of faith to say, 'Lord, whatever your will is for me. I accept it.'
    And your wig does look real. I thought that the first time i saw you wearing it. You picked a good one!

  2. Thank you! I thought I was going to get a bunch of cheap crazy wigs, but I'm glad my mom talked me into getting a nice one I can wear and look like a normal person in.

  3. Crystal, this is Becky Alger from the SJ 15th ward...from back in the day. Julie Alger is my sister (of course) you probably remember her more than you remember me. Anyway, she sent me a link for your blog a while back and I have been checking back for updates.

    I scrolled down to get caught up and when I saw the picture of you and the super model, I thought that picture might be an old one, from before chemo, because your wig totally looks like real hair! Awesome!

    I am so sorry you have to go through all this...pain, emotional, physical, financial, insurance, stresses. I totally give you a billion points for courage and optimism. I cry every time I read your blog. I'm sad for you and yet so happy for you. You know the blessings in your life and the growth that comes through suffering. I cannot imagine going through all of this and then righting it on a blog. I hope it is therapeutic, I am sure it is. It is such an honest and touching account of your experiences and I'm grateful that you are sharing them.

    We got a Google Nexus 7 for Christmas...we saved up and got it for each other...and we love it. I love that your school got you one. How thoughtful! I'm glad you have people close to you that are reaching out and supporting you.

    Our fast Sunday is tomorrow (May 12, pffft! Mother's Day) because we had District Conference last week. I'm fasting for you tomorrow. I know there is power and strength in knowing when someone is fasting for you. I hope you feel many blessings come your way.

    One more thing. Two people at our District Conference mentioned something about the Atonement that I had never thought before. Jesus Christ suffered and agonized in the Garden of Gethsemane and through our pain and suffering and agonizing in this life we can become Christ-like. I don't know if I've written it to make sense but, I found comfort in that.

    Much love Crystal. Keep you courage and optimism as best you can!

  4. Thank you so much! That last part especially touched me. I have found that the trials I've had these last few months have brought me much closer to the savior and understanding the atonement. Even Christ wanted that cup to pass from him, but because of his love for us and testimony that it really was God's will, he endured. Now that I have suffered excruciating pain, I'v been given just a glimmer of what the Savior went through for me and that makes me so grateful.

  5. Crystal! These two posts brought tears to my eyes. You are such an amazing niece, wife, daughter, sister, friend, granddaughter, and example to many others. I cannot thank you enough for all the times you've been there for me. I'm so grateful that President Faust's words were uplifting and inspiring for you--I can only imagine what you are going through! I love you so much and appreciate you. I hope you know you are one of my best friends too!

    What a wonderful experience to have been in the temple for your friend, Jenn & her husband's sealing! I'm so happy for you that you were able to go!

    Oh, and YES! Your Wig looks totally REAL! Is this the same one as before? Maybe it's just the lighting, but I didn't notice those cute highlights before! So fun!

    Hang in there! We are keeping you in our prayers! *BIG HUGS*

  6. Thanks for the shout out! I feel so special right now. You don't even know. Love and hugs to you girl!!!