I feel emotionally drained. Michael and I went to meet with an oncologist in Murray today and pretty much all of my biggest fears were confirmed. I was told that I definitely have cancer, I definitely will lose all of my hair, I will have to go through 6 36-day cycles of chemotherapy, I have a 50% chance of infertility, and the set of drugs they will be giving me that make up my chemotherapy are so physically taxing that I will need to go on long-term disability and not return to teaching for the rest of the year. It's just hard. I had some really beautiful plans for me and Michael's lives, none of which involved me having cancer.
It still seems so unreal that this is happening. This shouldn't be happening. This is the kind of thing you see happen to other people, you feel really bad for them, and then you get down on your knees and thank Heavenly Father for your own health.
Here's a confession that I can't believe I'm making on a public blog. I have been really interested in cancer since I was really little. I went through phases where I would check my body for bruises, and anytime I saw a bruise I thought I had leukemia. I read probably at least 10 books by Lurlene McDaniel (author whose "characters have grappled with cancer, diabetes, organ failure, and the deaths of loved ones through disease or suicide," says wikipedia.) when I was in elementary school. Morbid, I know. That's why it almost seems ironic that I do have cancer now.
Anyway, tomorrow I will have to tell my principal exactly what is happening and let him know that in a few weeks I will leave and not come back. Probably the day after tomorrow, I will have to sit down with my students and tell them that I'm sick and can't be their teacher anymore. They are old enough that I will probably make a powerpoint and teach them about what cancer means, and what (more or less) will happen to me. Wish me luck! And for those of you who do believe in God, I could really use all the prayers I can get.