Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Feeling Peaceful

The lows of chemo are SO low. I haven't ever experienced physical trials like this before. When I'm sick and miserable, I sometimes even begin to question whether or not it's worth it to keep pushing forward. However, there is something truly beautiful in being pushed to your limits and then feeling completely surrounded by love, grace, miracles, and peace. There have been more times than I can even count in these last few months when I have been surrounded by angels. Sometimes they are friends dropping by to visit or bring us dinner; sometimes they are nurses sitting down in my hospital room just to talk; sometimes it's nobody that I can see, just an overwhelming feeling that I am loved and never ever alone. And you know what? Cancer is hard, it's frustrating, and it's painful, but I don't think I would wish it away if I could. It's really hard to explain, but something tells me that for the rest of my life I will look back on these experiences and feelings with reverence and gratitude. Miracles are everywhere, every single day. If there's one thing cancer has taught me so far, it's that. And if there's one thing I wish everyone knew, it's that. God sees you, he knows you, he loves you, and there really are miracles everywhere. I knew that before I had a cancer, but now that there are way less distractions in my life and I am much more frequently brought to my knees, I feel it all the time. Some people can feel it all the time without needing to have crazy, life-threatening illnesses, but I'm stubborn so I needed the life-threatening illness.

That's really all I needed to say today. Other things definitely worth mention though are

  1. My medicine is making me lose my mind. I called my aunt today to apologize for sleeping the whole time she was visiting me in the hospital, only to hear from her that I was awake the whole time, we talked, and really enjoyed each other's company. I wish that was the only experience I've had like that.
  2. Surgery is coming up in a few weeks! I'm nervous, but excited! It will be so nice to find out what the necrosis is of the tumor in my leg and get a more definite prognosis.
  3. I organized me and Michael's drawers. They're beautiful.
  4. I cleaned the inside of my bathroom sink handles. If I've talked to you in the last week I have probably casually brought this up in our conversation because I'm so proud. I mean WHO unscrews their sink handles to clean inside of them. That right there is taking homemaking to the next level, my friends. And maybe that would earn me a couple more bragging points if I could walk across my bedroom without tripping on anything. Yikes. You win some, you lose some.
  5. I am home from the hospital! Woo hoo!

Aaaaand some pictures.
Playing Set in the hospital with Amber

I can't remember for sure, but I'm guessing this picture was
not taken at the end of the game =]
Super Bowl party hospital-style


  1. I pray for you every night. Id like to come for a visit and drag Jen with me. Let me know when if I can come.


    David Robinson

  2. Your insights with your cancer are inspiring. We pray for your recovery while thinking of you often. Thanks for sharing.
    Keoki & Christy

  3. Crystal, we love you and pray for you often. You are beautiful and such an inspiration. All the best! Michelle and Fanger kids. :)

  4. It was when I was in college that one of the bishopric members was telling us what it felt like when his young son died suddenly. He said it seems strange, but our worst times can be the best times - the times that you are closest to God because you have to be. Thanks for sharing your optimism and faith even in your lowest times. You have a beautiful way of sharing your testimony and life. XOXO!

  5. Crystal, you are my favorite. Thank you for sharing.

    And stop practicing Set so I have a chance to catch up with you!

  6. Hello Mrs. C!!! This is Eliza (note passer/shortie) and Annalyse (tall one) from fifth grade (four years ago), when you taught at hobble creek! We were the first class you taught! We miss and love you, and we always talk about how you were our favorite teacher!